The Narrator: Ntsiki and Ntsakisi.

Okay so it's been almost a year and I've traveled a long way... I'm more prepared to face a less padded reality.

I scare myself most times... See I realised that within me, there are 3 personalities residing.  No, it's nothing like the thousands of voices screaming all at the same time.  There are just three and they have the most interesting relationship with one another.  Yes, they have a relationship because they know and acknowledge the existence of one another.  They still, weirdly enough cannot simultaneously co-exist...

So there's Ntsakisi... She is afraid of everything.  Experience has taught her that the world is a bad, cold place; that humans are innately bad and that there is no hope whatsoever for this world or anyone in it.  We'e all doomed and damned...  She is a scarred, scared little voice, hiding behind the injustices of life.  She "Sees life as it is".

Then there's Ntsiki.  Fearless.  Bold.  Temperamental, sassy free spirit who lives life by her own rules.  Everything wasits on her and she has no problem with making it do so...  Ntsiki is a hedonistic party freak who lives for the now and can justify anything and everything.  Her mottoes are live and let live, you only live once, if not why not etc...

Then... There's the narrator... She's the voice I'm most familiar with.  She is somewhat of a referee who is partial to her own cause.  She understands Ntsakisi's caution as well as Ntsiki's need to express herself without boundaries.  She is the puppet master, but she unfortunately operates mainly on instinct and impulse. She also has the reasoning capacity of a three year old and this leads to the most frustration.  The narrator judges what "The Being" (What I refer to myself as, as an entity, Ie. an amalgam of all 3 characters) perceives, purely on her idea of what is right and wrong.  She has a very idealistic stance thereof and when an injustice is committed, she's the repatriation, eye for an eye - do whatever brings equilibrium girl.

What's sad is that I can only tell who is dominant with about an hour of introspection... By that time, the decision/ reaction has already been made and there is no going back.

I am a very difficult person to deal with because of this and am only starting to understand the implications thereof... I'm not crazy, I'm detailed.  I'm glad I'm starting to look at the cracks.  It'll take a while, but it's a small step in that direction...

Welcome - The Voices...

Okay so this is a happier part of my life.  It's not as dark and angry and passively destructive.  Maybe that last bit is a lie.

I HATE!!! 

And I hate that I hate.  I know that I'm not the only one who's ever experienced this, when you just want to be left alone.  To drink yourself motherless or get high-as-a-pie or to just fantasise about slitting your wrists. 

I hate that I have the "Safety Police" around all the time.  The constant phone calls to find out how you're doing  - I'd probably be doing just the same had you not called...  The ever flowing barrage of bodies making their way in and out of your presence as though you were some 2 month old who'd choke in their own puke if left alone too long.  It makes me sick...

AND THEN THERE ARE THE VOICES....  I can tell they're not real, but I can hear them.  I used to only hear them in my dreams, but now I hear them when I'm alone.  Or when I'm upset.  I like them better than every one else, but they worry me. 

Do they worry you...?