Dear December
I know you well
Although I cannot be sure I particularly want to
You give and you take
You slay and you break
Unrepentant
And unforgiving
Dear December Depression
You stalk me throughout the year
Quietly, steadily approaching your prey
Dear Depression,
I feel your presence.
Your arrival is inevitable.
But at this moment,
I will not surrender.
I will not succemb.
To the First of the Month
You bring promises of hurt
With you I am too well acquainted
To buy into the merriment and cheer.
I will trudge on
Through your haziness
Of laziness.
The inpermeable air
Of a halted world.
To the Seventh of the Month
I hate you well.
You tore my soul.
And devoured my spirit.
And in return,
You smiled at me.
A smile of victory
Over a corpse.
I may have been week,
But you're just silly.
Giving me the fourteenth
As if it would make up.
And to the Sixteenth
You are society's fall
The debauchery and madness
Which renders it mindless.
Over and over
I've been tempted to sniff
The lines of lies
You purvey to pillage.
Dear 24th
You almast make it all okay
The loving and caring
The exuberant await.
The pretence, so fickle
That it lasts but two days
I thank you for your showcase
The justification all December.
And to the 25th
Joy to the World
See the Sun dance
Jesus is born!
And after the gifts
And after the meal
And after the novelty
We all hide away into our places of rest
Our places of comfort
Until the daze wears off.
Dear 26th
Thank God for cricket!
Your only other purpose
Would be being the Aftermath.
To the 29th
You stole my joy.
I will not resent.
I will forgive.
And to the 31st
I love you most!
It finaly ends.
It's FINALLY over.
Dear December,
I know you well.
I don't like you and nor do I want to.
Dear December Depression,
Too close for comfort.
I will fight until I have it not in me any longer.
You may or may not succeed
But this year victory will be mine because
I will have fought ernestly and savagely
For my happiness.
For my sanity.
For my principles
For my life.
And finally,
Dear Depression,
You cannot have me
Not right now.
Now YOU deal with it!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Sacrifice: If it pains you, let it go.
I don't handle negative feelings very well. Or at all for that matter. They just sit and fester and I become hateful and vengeful and angry.
It's hard not to be, right now. I'm going to spill out all my anger in order not to keep it bottled up inside.
By now, we all know that I hate the fact that noone understands me. And that I hate the fact that noone wants to understand me, even more. But what I hate most, is people insisting that they understand me when they don't and upon being properly explained to, turn around and make it out as though you're the one who either doesn't understand yourself or is lying!
Now whilst, granted, I may not understand myself fully - I'm still learning myself - I feel I am well within my rights to claim that I understand myself the best (that is better than anyone else). I am, after all, living me!
Earlier this week, I decided to try and reconnect with my mother.
She and I have always had a particularly difficult relationship. I guess, I always felt as though I was never enough for her, so I stopped trying. And once that happened, we were always stuck in conflicts - which I can't deal with - and so I merely relegated our relationship to one that is not meant to be enjoyed or savoured. I wrote it off to merely being functional.
This posed alot of difficulty as she basically more and more, filled out the role of the neglectful, uncaring mother, who saw to the basics and left the rest alone. I guess I never admitted it before, but it kind of hurt that she stopped trying - especially since she made the effort with everyone else in the family - even my emotionally detached brother.
We were always at loggerheads about everything - with myself probably turning delinquent in order to force more attention and (in my subconscious,) affection out of her, and her trying to beat me into submission. That did NOT turn out well....
Regardless, the effort to mend ties was going exceptionally well. In fact, in my mind, it was almost too good to be true. And just as they say: "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is..." the dealbreaker arrived.
We were talking about separating issues in that my illness wasn't the cause of contention, instead the times which I arrived home were. In response I agreed that my illness wasn't the cause of most of the fighting - but then went on to highlight the fact that the fighting had always been there - between everyone and that I ended up getting the rough end.
That's when the dogmatic belief that she is always right reared itself again...
I was told - not in so many words - that what I had expressed was invalid; And this at the referrence to three incidents... THREE INCIDENTS???!!!!
I'm uber pissed and I think I have to ultimately resign myself to the realisation that essentially, my mother and I cannot have a healthy relationship in any way.
I bear her no hard feelings, and I still love and respect her. But to sacrifice a toxic relationship, in my mind seems a better option that to prolong what will ultimately result in hatred.
Do what you must to live your love.
Namaste,
The Black Sheep.
It's hard not to be, right now. I'm going to spill out all my anger in order not to keep it bottled up inside.
By now, we all know that I hate the fact that noone understands me. And that I hate the fact that noone wants to understand me, even more. But what I hate most, is people insisting that they understand me when they don't and upon being properly explained to, turn around and make it out as though you're the one who either doesn't understand yourself or is lying!
Now whilst, granted, I may not understand myself fully - I'm still learning myself - I feel I am well within my rights to claim that I understand myself the best (that is better than anyone else). I am, after all, living me!
Earlier this week, I decided to try and reconnect with my mother.
She and I have always had a particularly difficult relationship. I guess, I always felt as though I was never enough for her, so I stopped trying. And once that happened, we were always stuck in conflicts - which I can't deal with - and so I merely relegated our relationship to one that is not meant to be enjoyed or savoured. I wrote it off to merely being functional.
This posed alot of difficulty as she basically more and more, filled out the role of the neglectful, uncaring mother, who saw to the basics and left the rest alone. I guess I never admitted it before, but it kind of hurt that she stopped trying - especially since she made the effort with everyone else in the family - even my emotionally detached brother.
We were always at loggerheads about everything - with myself probably turning delinquent in order to force more attention and (in my subconscious,) affection out of her, and her trying to beat me into submission. That did NOT turn out well....
Regardless, the effort to mend ties was going exceptionally well. In fact, in my mind, it was almost too good to be true. And just as they say: "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is..." the dealbreaker arrived.
We were talking about separating issues in that my illness wasn't the cause of contention, instead the times which I arrived home were. In response I agreed that my illness wasn't the cause of most of the fighting - but then went on to highlight the fact that the fighting had always been there - between everyone and that I ended up getting the rough end.
That's when the dogmatic belief that she is always right reared itself again...
I was told - not in so many words - that what I had expressed was invalid; And this at the referrence to three incidents... THREE INCIDENTS???!!!!
I'm uber pissed and I think I have to ultimately resign myself to the realisation that essentially, my mother and I cannot have a healthy relationship in any way.
I bear her no hard feelings, and I still love and respect her. But to sacrifice a toxic relationship, in my mind seems a better option that to prolong what will ultimately result in hatred.
Do what you must to live your love.
Namaste,
The Black Sheep.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Black Prayer of a Wounded Heart.
Sometimes there's this Black Hole that sucks away all my happiness into oblivion... When this happens, I often end up feeling sad, hurt, lonely and numb. The fact that there is noone there for me - to want to know. To care to understand, then makes me feel neglected and even betrayed by those close to me.
In all objectivity, I guess I could hijack the platform for this understanding that I so desperately crave by telling people how I am feeling when they ask how I'm doing. But on the other hand, I have learned form previous experiences that people don't care. No necessarily in a directly detached, apathetic way: People are too busy trying to sort out the bullshit that they are undergoing in their own lives. Noone has the time and patience to inquire into the sob-story of a seemingly perfectly normal person. Alternatively, I could go to therapy - but from various different sessions, with different therapists, that has always made me feel worse. To the point that I end up quietly hating my life and everything in it: The idea that I have to pay someone to pretend to care about me makes me question the validity of EVERY relationship in my life - from friendships, to romatic affiliations, to family ties...
Right now, I'm going through that anger and hate. Not particularly directed at any one person, thing or group of people. Just a general feeling of rage and anarchy seething inside of me. A disappointment in humanity and all of creation. A disgust in EVERYTHING.
Granted, I am a difficult person to talk to and communicate with in general and so maybe I'm expecting too much of people, but it seems to me to make sense: If the people in my life have the time (and alleged concern) to talk about my life and it's (in my opinion, misunderstood) "waywardness", surely they should have the time and concern to speak to me about it...? To try and make sense of the situation from a viewopint other than their own, since that hasn't gotten anyone anywhere thus far...
Maybe I am expecting too much.
It's just difficult to trust people who can never be honest with you. And that in turn makes it more difficult to talk to those people. Do you see the vicious cycle?
It's a cycle of self-defence, not malice. They are tired of getting burnt trying to help me. I'm tired of getting burnt opening up just to be put down by people that I didn't even talk to about anything, yet know a surprisingly great deal.
Fact remains, I'm still hurt and resentful. And right now, it feels as though this blog is the only entity out there willing to whole-heartedly listen to what I have to say with no judgement or disregard for my feelings. With no unwitting or intentional betrayal. The only thing in this world that seems to care.
Dispite my renouncing of hope, I will still aim to find The Divine in it all and pray that I may be granted patience, and understanding for situations outside of my own. If we only see from one perspective, our whole existence becomes a blind spot.
From The Divine, I pray for enlightenment and healing for all of us.
Shanti, vidya, dhairya, kshama.
(Peace, enlightenment, endurance, forbearance)
The Black Sheep
In all objectivity, I guess I could hijack the platform for this understanding that I so desperately crave by telling people how I am feeling when they ask how I'm doing. But on the other hand, I have learned form previous experiences that people don't care. No necessarily in a directly detached, apathetic way: People are too busy trying to sort out the bullshit that they are undergoing in their own lives. Noone has the time and patience to inquire into the sob-story of a seemingly perfectly normal person. Alternatively, I could go to therapy - but from various different sessions, with different therapists, that has always made me feel worse. To the point that I end up quietly hating my life and everything in it: The idea that I have to pay someone to pretend to care about me makes me question the validity of EVERY relationship in my life - from friendships, to romatic affiliations, to family ties...
Right now, I'm going through that anger and hate. Not particularly directed at any one person, thing or group of people. Just a general feeling of rage and anarchy seething inside of me. A disappointment in humanity and all of creation. A disgust in EVERYTHING.
Granted, I am a difficult person to talk to and communicate with in general and so maybe I'm expecting too much of people, but it seems to me to make sense: If the people in my life have the time (and alleged concern) to talk about my life and it's (in my opinion, misunderstood) "waywardness", surely they should have the time and concern to speak to me about it...? To try and make sense of the situation from a viewopint other than their own, since that hasn't gotten anyone anywhere thus far...
Maybe I am expecting too much.
It's just difficult to trust people who can never be honest with you. And that in turn makes it more difficult to talk to those people. Do you see the vicious cycle?
It's a cycle of self-defence, not malice. They are tired of getting burnt trying to help me. I'm tired of getting burnt opening up just to be put down by people that I didn't even talk to about anything, yet know a surprisingly great deal.
Fact remains, I'm still hurt and resentful. And right now, it feels as though this blog is the only entity out there willing to whole-heartedly listen to what I have to say with no judgement or disregard for my feelings. With no unwitting or intentional betrayal. The only thing in this world that seems to care.
Dispite my renouncing of hope, I will still aim to find The Divine in it all and pray that I may be granted patience, and understanding for situations outside of my own. If we only see from one perspective, our whole existence becomes a blind spot.
From The Divine, I pray for enlightenment and healing for all of us.
Shanti, vidya, dhairya, kshama.
(Peace, enlightenment, endurance, forbearance)
The Black Sheep
Friday, October 29, 2010
Dark, Sheepish Communication.
I am very easily amused. It doesn't take alot to become friends with me - or at least to become a good acquaintance... I love to laugh and share. I am particularly partial to people with a plight or with a good heart/ good intentions. Especially at first meeting, I am a great person to get along with. And I generally keep my cool. It's really hard to get into an altercation with my unless it concerns something or someone that I sincerely care about...
But on the other hand, once I let you in. And you become what I consider as "trustworthy; a friend" I become so easily annoyed. Everything that you do that you (in my mind) "Should know not to from knowing me" is held against you. My logic being: "I would do the same for you..."
Whilst I believe that you cannot hold the innocent accountable - in that if someone doesn't know what irks you, then they obviously did not commit the transgression maliciously or even intentionally - I am also of the extreme opposite mindset once you do get to know me. I end up feeling that as my friend, close confidante, you know what irritates me and what would offend me. The fact that you insist on doing something that you know will make me unhappy just says you don't care.
I think that is the exact thought process (on my part) in altercations with those that "I love". I feel as though they don't care and when it comes to me, they feel nothing. So I end up being malicious and even spiteful towards them in both speech and action in order to force them to feel something concerning me.
I WILL MATTER TO YOU, DAMNIT!!!
I contintuously hurt those that I love. And it seems as though I'm just being a big brat bitch at the time, but for me, this is how it goes:
Wealth, possessions, status, social standing and the likes are all of no use. They do not aid you as a soul. You utilise them to get what you want here on Earth and that's it. Whereas relationships are love and comfort and the ability to grow.... Once you lose that - you have nothing. So the second I feel as though I am losing or have lost you as a close relation, I feel that I must make you understand what I am going through. I need you to understand what you mean to me. And so I show you how I'm feeling by making you feel that way.
I am the kind of person who is so compassionate that I take on everyone's pain. It makes little sense to cause others pain it I am only going to end up taking it on as well.
I know.
But this is the only way that I know how to effectively communicate how I'm feelining without seeming to play the victim... By turning you into the victim.
May the Divine grant us patience, love and understanding
That we may learn to overcome life's difficulties unified.
Blessings from The Divine
The Black Sheep
XXX
But on the other hand, once I let you in. And you become what I consider as "trustworthy; a friend" I become so easily annoyed. Everything that you do that you (in my mind) "Should know not to from knowing me" is held against you. My logic being: "I would do the same for you..."
Whilst I believe that you cannot hold the innocent accountable - in that if someone doesn't know what irks you, then they obviously did not commit the transgression maliciously or even intentionally - I am also of the extreme opposite mindset once you do get to know me. I end up feeling that as my friend, close confidante, you know what irritates me and what would offend me. The fact that you insist on doing something that you know will make me unhappy just says you don't care.
I think that is the exact thought process (on my part) in altercations with those that "I love". I feel as though they don't care and when it comes to me, they feel nothing. So I end up being malicious and even spiteful towards them in both speech and action in order to force them to feel something concerning me.
I WILL MATTER TO YOU, DAMNIT!!!
I contintuously hurt those that I love. And it seems as though I'm just being a big brat bitch at the time, but for me, this is how it goes:
Wealth, possessions, status, social standing and the likes are all of no use. They do not aid you as a soul. You utilise them to get what you want here on Earth and that's it. Whereas relationships are love and comfort and the ability to grow.... Once you lose that - you have nothing. So the second I feel as though I am losing or have lost you as a close relation, I feel that I must make you understand what I am going through. I need you to understand what you mean to me. And so I show you how I'm feeling by making you feel that way.
I am the kind of person who is so compassionate that I take on everyone's pain. It makes little sense to cause others pain it I am only going to end up taking it on as well.
I know.
But this is the only way that I know how to effectively communicate how I'm feelining without seeming to play the victim... By turning you into the victim.
May the Divine grant us patience, love and understanding
That we may learn to overcome life's difficulties unified.
Blessings from The Divine
The Black Sheep
XXX
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Truth from Within
Some people call it a conscience or gut feeling. Other's find that it is communication from spirits or The Divine.
I find alot of the time, that when I least expect it, a truth that I already knew, creeps up on me. It's that familiar "I've been here before" feeling. De ja vu - if you must. Life has a funny way of reminding you what a splendidly intelligent creature you are. And maybe have been...?
If anyone believes in reincarnation, they may be able to understand what I am saying:
I believe that we as souls, are reborn into different bodies - over and over again. See the objective to life is - just as in any other progressive game - to reach and conquer the final stage. Our actions, intentions and thoughts are what determine how far we get in each life. If you've lived a good life, you get further. We DO however, have cheat codes!!! Whoop-dee, right?!!! But do you feel like you've won a game fair and square if you get to the ultimate level through the aquisition and implementation of cheats? Usually not? Well...
I'll explain how this works:
The Bible, The Gathas, The Torah, al-Qur’ān, the Kebra Nagast, The Bhagavad Gita and all other Sacred Text is like the cheat code to life. SomeOne in some other realm or dimension or galaxy or world saw fit to help us out. To guide us through this "virual game" called life. Whether or not you choose to use those cheat codes is up to you. But if you don't, and you lose you life(s), the game has to restart again until you make it to the next level. What that level might be, I dont know, but this life is about spiritual progression. In order to make the next level, your soul must have learned all the truths it needs to know and your body must've lived them out.
Sometimes, when you restart the game, you still remember some tricks and traps from the previous time(s) that you've played and that is what the truth from within is. It is a fact that dawns upon you and once you think about it, you realise that you already knew it. Not quite common sense, but it was something innately realised.
The best and most fundamental trick is to listen to our conscience. That is the closest link to our truths from within. That is what will guide us and keep us safe. Although it won't necessarily reveal to us directly what that truth is, it forms part of The Eternal Soul which remembers every route - every time.
Namaste,
And may your truth come from within.
From Love.
From The Divine.
The Black Sheep
I find alot of the time, that when I least expect it, a truth that I already knew, creeps up on me. It's that familiar "I've been here before" feeling. De ja vu - if you must. Life has a funny way of reminding you what a splendidly intelligent creature you are. And maybe have been...?
If anyone believes in reincarnation, they may be able to understand what I am saying:
I believe that we as souls, are reborn into different bodies - over and over again. See the objective to life is - just as in any other progressive game - to reach and conquer the final stage. Our actions, intentions and thoughts are what determine how far we get in each life. If you've lived a good life, you get further. We DO however, have cheat codes!!! Whoop-dee, right?!!! But do you feel like you've won a game fair and square if you get to the ultimate level through the aquisition and implementation of cheats? Usually not? Well...
I'll explain how this works:
The Bible, The Gathas, The Torah, al-Qur’ān, the Kebra Nagast, The Bhagavad Gita and all other Sacred Text is like the cheat code to life. SomeOne in some other realm or dimension or galaxy or world saw fit to help us out. To guide us through this "virual game" called life. Whether or not you choose to use those cheat codes is up to you. But if you don't, and you lose you life(s), the game has to restart again until you make it to the next level. What that level might be, I dont know, but this life is about spiritual progression. In order to make the next level, your soul must have learned all the truths it needs to know and your body must've lived them out.
Sometimes, when you restart the game, you still remember some tricks and traps from the previous time(s) that you've played and that is what the truth from within is. It is a fact that dawns upon you and once you think about it, you realise that you already knew it. Not quite common sense, but it was something innately realised.
The best and most fundamental trick is to listen to our conscience. That is the closest link to our truths from within. That is what will guide us and keep us safe. Although it won't necessarily reveal to us directly what that truth is, it forms part of The Eternal Soul which remembers every route - every time.
Namaste,
And may your truth come from within.
From Love.
From The Divine.
The Black Sheep
Monday, October 25, 2010
A glimpse into the Pen of the Black Sheep.
I can not assume to understand what anyone is going through. All I can do is sympathise with them and sincerely wish them all the best.
Imagine this:
Imagine never know what you're feeling. Having to take tests just to monitor your mood. Imagine constantly second guessing your every thought, feeling and decision. And for the most part, having to write hurts and pains down to you simply being oversensitive because of your condition. Imagine fighting your own conscious or sub-conscious or whatever the devil is causing all of this turmoil and confusion. Fighting THAT thing that you can't even identify for your own sanity. Imagine wanting to die, then being the greatest and most important person that ever lived - And then hating everything all over again. Most of all life. No; Rather, most of all yourself.
Imagine that you have made more than your fair share of mistakes. And that the realisation of all these mistakes happens in retrospect because at the time, you're perfectly justified. Imagine you can see and feel all of this, but that noone understands. And noone wants to.
Now imagine that the people closest to - those you trust and those who claim to be on your side you are unforgiving of the past. And that they demean your experiences because they don't know that inside you're being ripped to sheds with every breathe that you keep taking. And they see the pain and the suffering of everyone else: Those who are blind and deaf and crippled and old. Those without families and those without money. Forgetting to realise that an identifiable problem is a problem half fixed.
Imagine that everytime your soul bleeds, an uncontrolable surge of tears blind your eyes. And that no matter how hard you try to explain it to them, all they see is salt water and a mask. Because they can't see the chaos of the soul. Because they don't want to see the chaos of the soul.
Imagine each time your world falls apart and shatters into a billion splinters, you are told to MAN UP. STICK IT OUT. HOLD IT ALL TOGETHER. And imagine that you try to - and that all the tiny pieces cut and burn and sting your soul for having the audacity to try. And that because you want to please everyone so much, you still dare to try - dispite all previous experiences.
Now imagine that your soul is all cut up. And all burnt up. Fatigued. Exhausted. Drained from being battered and beaten and hurt both intentionally and carelessly. That you have tried to your utmost ability to sympathise with and care for and make everyone happy. And have only deteriorated because of it.
Imagine you have to rebuild this fragile soul - from nothing. With nothing. With noone....
I know you still may not understand what I am going through. All I ask is that you be patient with me and sincerely accept all the best I try to give...
Imagine this:
Imagine never know what you're feeling. Having to take tests just to monitor your mood. Imagine constantly second guessing your every thought, feeling and decision. And for the most part, having to write hurts and pains down to you simply being oversensitive because of your condition. Imagine fighting your own conscious or sub-conscious or whatever the devil is causing all of this turmoil and confusion. Fighting THAT thing that you can't even identify for your own sanity. Imagine wanting to die, then being the greatest and most important person that ever lived - And then hating everything all over again. Most of all life. No; Rather, most of all yourself.
Imagine that you have made more than your fair share of mistakes. And that the realisation of all these mistakes happens in retrospect because at the time, you're perfectly justified. Imagine you can see and feel all of this, but that noone understands. And noone wants to.
Now imagine that the people closest to - those you trust and those who claim to be on your side you are unforgiving of the past. And that they demean your experiences because they don't know that inside you're being ripped to sheds with every breathe that you keep taking. And they see the pain and the suffering of everyone else: Those who are blind and deaf and crippled and old. Those without families and those without money. Forgetting to realise that an identifiable problem is a problem half fixed.
Imagine that everytime your soul bleeds, an uncontrolable surge of tears blind your eyes. And that no matter how hard you try to explain it to them, all they see is salt water and a mask. Because they can't see the chaos of the soul. Because they don't want to see the chaos of the soul.
Imagine each time your world falls apart and shatters into a billion splinters, you are told to MAN UP. STICK IT OUT. HOLD IT ALL TOGETHER. And imagine that you try to - and that all the tiny pieces cut and burn and sting your soul for having the audacity to try. And that because you want to please everyone so much, you still dare to try - dispite all previous experiences.
Now imagine that your soul is all cut up. And all burnt up. Fatigued. Exhausted. Drained from being battered and beaten and hurt both intentionally and carelessly. That you have tried to your utmost ability to sympathise with and care for and make everyone happy. And have only deteriorated because of it.
Imagine you have to rebuild this fragile soul - from nothing. With nothing. With noone....
I know you still may not understand what I am going through. All I ask is that you be patient with me and sincerely accept all the best I try to give...
Friday, October 15, 2010
Interesting unpublished draft: Vedic Horoscopic Analysis of the Black Sheep:
Sometimes I wonder "Why me?". This might just be the greater plan...
Your Moon sign is Gemini.The zodiac sign in which the moon was located at the time of your birth is known as Moon sign. Vedic astrology places special emphasis on the Moon sign. As Moon represents one's own mind, a lot can be deduced from this sign. Mercury owns Gemini, Moon considers mercury his friend but mercury considers Moon as his enemy. Mercury represents intelligence and Moon represents one’s own mind, this position thus makes the native very clever, witty and creative. The native may become a very good orator and may have the ability to influence and persuade others. The native may rise to a position of power because of these abilities. The native will have quickness of thought and will be very bright. The native will be very religious in nature and will be loved by people for his good actions. In certain situations the native may see multiple options and will fail to take decisions because of uncertainty. The native will be very fond of music and poetry. The native will be known for his gentle nature and will gain a lot of respect from peers. The native may be very flirtatious and may not like to do household chores. They tend to avoid physical confrontation at all costs. The native is very likely to get lung problems, so should stay away from smoking.
Your Ascendant sign is Cancer.The sign rising on the eastern horizon at the time of your birth is known as Ascendant or Lagna sign. Asendant plays a special role in vedic astrology and determines the overall strength of the chart as well as placement of various signs in 12 houses. Those born in Cancer ascendant/rising sign have somewhat middle sized body and average height. They generally have fat neck, long arms, long face, wide chest and fair complexion. They are extremely sensitive, inquisitive, nervous and restless. They get a lot of opportunities for progress in their life. They are fond of traveling and water related activities. They are desirous of wealth, worldly things and possessions but like to spend less (to the extent that it can take the form of miserliness). They are generally not very successful in love affairs, but once married, they are deeply attached to their family and children. They generally have a reputation for love of justice and fair play. They like to get involved in social service and get a lot of respect because of that. They may be very talkative (with good oratory skills), self-reliant, honest and unbending in nature.
Your Birth Star is Ardra.The star constellation in which the moon was located at the time of your birth is known as your birth star. Vedic astrology places special emphasis on the birth star (aka Nakshatra). 
Position: 6-40 to 20-00' Gemini
General Characteristics: Emphasis on the mind or thinking capacity - deep feeling along with passionate thinking - motivated by desire.
Translation: The moist one
Symbol: The human head
Animal Symbol: Female Dog
Ruling Planet: Rahu
Nature: Manushya (human)
Presiding deity: Rudra the god of the storm and destruction
Favorable: Curious mind; hunger for knowledge; quick in action; good memory; prefers physical work or work involving the body; good at getting support from the government or authorities; great communicator; truthful; have a transformative point in life at which point they drop many of their bad traits; compassionate towards those in pain.
Unfavorable: Arrogant; abuses power; lusts after material attainments; ungrateful; mischievous; reckless; physically oriented jobs; anti-social; mean streak causes pain to others; self-serving; dishonest; stubborn; critical; impolite; untruthful; poor financial planning; excessive indulgences; cause pain or agony to others; violent; complaining.
Famous Ardra: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Farrah Fawcett, Babe Ruth, F.D. Roosevelt, Bo Derek, Humphrey Bogart, Kurt Cobain
Career Interests: Writers, teachers, hospice, social services, sales, pr, politics, humanitarian projects, athlete, butcher, drug dealer, chemotherapist, those who deal with dead things such as junk, canned, frozen food.
Health Issues: Nervous system disorder, skin sensitivity, allergies, mental disorder, lung problems.
General Characteristics: Emphasis on the mind or thinking capacity - deep feeling along with passionate thinking - motivated by desire.
Translation: The moist one
Symbol: The human head
Animal Symbol: Female Dog
Ruling Planet: Rahu
Nature: Manushya (human)
Presiding deity: Rudra the god of the storm and destruction
Favorable: Curious mind; hunger for knowledge; quick in action; good memory; prefers physical work or work involving the body; good at getting support from the government or authorities; great communicator; truthful; have a transformative point in life at which point they drop many of their bad traits; compassionate towards those in pain.
Unfavorable: Arrogant; abuses power; lusts after material attainments; ungrateful; mischievous; reckless; physically oriented jobs; anti-social; mean streak causes pain to others; self-serving; dishonest; stubborn; critical; impolite; untruthful; poor financial planning; excessive indulgences; cause pain or agony to others; violent; complaining.
Famous Ardra: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Farrah Fawcett, Babe Ruth, F.D. Roosevelt, Bo Derek, Humphrey Bogart, Kurt Cobain
Career Interests: Writers, teachers, hospice, social services, sales, pr, politics, humanitarian projects, athlete, butcher, drug dealer, chemotherapist, those who deal with dead things such as junk, canned, frozen food.
Health Issues: Nervous system disorder, skin sensitivity, allergies, mental disorder, lung problems.
You are currently running Saturn Dasha and Mercury Antardasha . The planets give their results when either their Dasha or Antardasha operates. Saturn Dasha
In Saturn dasha modesty, intelligence and knowledge is enhanced but the native has to work really hard to achieve anything. There could be an increase in prestige and income. There may be money from inheritances or from involvement in real estate. If in politics then the native is elected to some high post. The native is also likely to get gold ornaments, comforts, good clothes, house, land and new vehicle if Saturn is acting like a benefic planet in one's chart. A bad Saturn on the other hand can cause suffering to elders in the family. There could be restlessness and fear of theft, fire and poison. There may be opposition from relatives, domestic crisis and disagreement with coworkers. There may be fear of demotion or suspension and imprisonment by the government if Saturn transit is also very bad. There could be health related issues as well.
Mercury AntarDasha
A well placed and strong Mercury in its antardasha under Saturn dasha signifies pleasure from the company of scholars, interest in pious deeds, rise in status, possible promotion at work, gain in business & trade, increase in wealth, success in competition and increase in mental agility. Wife and sons may cause happiness; one may buy new vehicles and earn good fortune. If mercury is weak and badly placed then it may signify good results in the early part of the antardasha, but later on it denotes diseases, losses, failure in all undertakings, increase in anxiety, restlessness and great fear of ruin. One may also become crafty and quarrelsome.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A possible Black relationSheep and my fear of intimacy.
So....
I met this guy a few days ago. A charming, sincere, sweet guy who was very honest about the fact that he finds me attractive, has been watching me, has asked around about me and wants to make me his girlfriend. Now normally, the second and third memtioned points would turn me off for seeming "stalkerish" but there was a strong sincerity about him. The kind that makes you feel comfortable. Like you're being spoken to, not macked on. It touched me.
He wasn't the typical kind that I would entertain. He is the type that I would usually be very dismissive of. And I was - the first few times he had spoken to me. So much so, that when he approached me recently, I was completely unaware of who he was and that I had EVER seen him in my life. In retrospect, I feel like quite a shallow bitch.
Well, anyways, he came up to me when I was in the middle of typing a blog post. I normally would be irritated at the interruption, but it was a warm Friday and I was feeling particularly happy and I thought "Well, let's listen to what this guy has to say." And what he had to say gradually knocked me off my feet (bear in mind that I'm still not off my feet just yet, but I will admit to feeling seriously giddy). He told me his name; Asked mine and we chatted a bit. I found him mildly amusing at the time. Then he told me that he had been watching me for a few months now. That he had first seem me on the bus to school and tried speaking to me once, but I seemingly was in a bad mood (little did he know I chronically seem to be in a bad mood). He also told me how he had just seen some girl that I know speaking to me - a girl that he didn't know - so he walked up to her and asked if I am "easy to talk to?". The girl said that I was and that was all he needed to hear. He was at the computer next to me, chatting to me.
At first (being the bitch that I ususally am) I kept thinking, "What does he want? When is he leaving??" and throughout that entire conversation that was the mantra being chanted in my head. I don't remember what we spoke about that first day and I didn't even catch his name. But he was persistent. And that made me admire him the more. We took a walk, contintue our chat. And he asked to see me the following day. I agreed, impressed by his ability to keep me interested in his conversation. The following day, we had a wonderful chat and even though I kept bringing up negatives about myself to try and dissuade his interest in me, he always found a way to make me realise that none of it was of importance to him at all.
THEN the deal breaker...: "I don't want to be in a relationship." The stunning silence that came from this comment... It was almost tangible. And then he blew me away. He was willing to wait. He was convinced that one day I would see it. That one day, his perseverence would pay off. In the meantime, he wasn't going to disappear. He would stay right by my side, "If it's okay with me and won't end up irritating me?"
I've seen him everyday since, with the exception of yesterday, where - for safety purposes I will say - I went to bed early. Today, we spoke. I told him one of my deepest, darkest secrets. The kind that reduces me to nothing everytime I think about it. That one that not even my friends and I talk about it, because, although they know about it, everyone is irked out by it. I mean the kind of secret which makes everyone change the way they veiw and even worse, treat me. I ended up in tears, running to and from the restroom, just trying to make sure he didn't see me in that state.
Then he searched for me, waited patiently then sat me down and said: "Do you know how I see you? You are beautiful. That doesn't change anything at all. You're still beautiful and there are still people out there who love you and care about you - And I am one of them."
And THAT was when I realised it. My fear of intimacy - for my own numerous reasons - has crippled my ability to love myself and more obviously and unnaturally, to accept love.
I have Mr Right at my feet. He makes me feel like a little girl again. Something that I haven't felt like in a while. I feel worthy of love and of BEING everytime that I'm around him. I smile at the thought of him and speaking to him is effortless and freeing. And with all of this said, I still cannot commit.
I wonder if it's self destruction. Self hate? I don't know. But I know that if I want to ever be happy, I need to get over these intimacy issues. They say no man is an island, and that is becoming more evident. How this will turn out, I have no idea, but because I have taken the first step - realisation - the possibilities are starting to grow.
The Black Sheep
XXX
I met this guy a few days ago. A charming, sincere, sweet guy who was very honest about the fact that he finds me attractive, has been watching me, has asked around about me and wants to make me his girlfriend. Now normally, the second and third memtioned points would turn me off for seeming "stalkerish" but there was a strong sincerity about him. The kind that makes you feel comfortable. Like you're being spoken to, not macked on. It touched me.
He wasn't the typical kind that I would entertain. He is the type that I would usually be very dismissive of. And I was - the first few times he had spoken to me. So much so, that when he approached me recently, I was completely unaware of who he was and that I had EVER seen him in my life. In retrospect, I feel like quite a shallow bitch.
Well, anyways, he came up to me when I was in the middle of typing a blog post. I normally would be irritated at the interruption, but it was a warm Friday and I was feeling particularly happy and I thought "Well, let's listen to what this guy has to say." And what he had to say gradually knocked me off my feet (bear in mind that I'm still not off my feet just yet, but I will admit to feeling seriously giddy). He told me his name; Asked mine and we chatted a bit. I found him mildly amusing at the time. Then he told me that he had been watching me for a few months now. That he had first seem me on the bus to school and tried speaking to me once, but I seemingly was in a bad mood (little did he know I chronically seem to be in a bad mood). He also told me how he had just seen some girl that I know speaking to me - a girl that he didn't know - so he walked up to her and asked if I am "easy to talk to?". The girl said that I was and that was all he needed to hear. He was at the computer next to me, chatting to me.
At first (being the bitch that I ususally am) I kept thinking, "What does he want? When is he leaving??" and throughout that entire conversation that was the mantra being chanted in my head. I don't remember what we spoke about that first day and I didn't even catch his name. But he was persistent. And that made me admire him the more. We took a walk, contintue our chat. And he asked to see me the following day. I agreed, impressed by his ability to keep me interested in his conversation. The following day, we had a wonderful chat and even though I kept bringing up negatives about myself to try and dissuade his interest in me, he always found a way to make me realise that none of it was of importance to him at all.
THEN the deal breaker...: "I don't want to be in a relationship." The stunning silence that came from this comment... It was almost tangible. And then he blew me away. He was willing to wait. He was convinced that one day I would see it. That one day, his perseverence would pay off. In the meantime, he wasn't going to disappear. He would stay right by my side, "If it's okay with me and won't end up irritating me?"
I've seen him everyday since, with the exception of yesterday, where - for safety purposes I will say - I went to bed early. Today, we spoke. I told him one of my deepest, darkest secrets. The kind that reduces me to nothing everytime I think about it. That one that not even my friends and I talk about it, because, although they know about it, everyone is irked out by it. I mean the kind of secret which makes everyone change the way they veiw and even worse, treat me. I ended up in tears, running to and from the restroom, just trying to make sure he didn't see me in that state.
Then he searched for me, waited patiently then sat me down and said: "Do you know how I see you? You are beautiful. That doesn't change anything at all. You're still beautiful and there are still people out there who love you and care about you - And I am one of them."
And THAT was when I realised it. My fear of intimacy - for my own numerous reasons - has crippled my ability to love myself and more obviously and unnaturally, to accept love.
I have Mr Right at my feet. He makes me feel like a little girl again. Something that I haven't felt like in a while. I feel worthy of love and of BEING everytime that I'm around him. I smile at the thought of him and speaking to him is effortless and freeing. And with all of this said, I still cannot commit.
I wonder if it's self destruction. Self hate? I don't know. But I know that if I want to ever be happy, I need to get over these intimacy issues. They say no man is an island, and that is becoming more evident. How this will turn out, I have no idea, but because I have taken the first step - realisation - the possibilities are starting to grow.
The Black Sheep
XXX
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Ode to my future Black Lambs...
I know that I am nowhere near having little rats (Rats is actually an endearing term - shortening of the term rugrats) or sheeplings but I know that one day I will and I will love them with all my heart and all my might. I cannot wait to be a mother and to see a new sunrise from the smile of my babies.
At the moment, I think I want to have 6 of my own and adopt 2 because the plight of the less fortunate is that of my very own and no child deserves not to live life to the full because of the lack of foresight of his or her parents.
I have decided that I want 4 boys and 2 girls and I have already fallen in love with a few names that I romanticise about calling my little lambs - whom I will accept whether they come in white, grey, pitchblack or flaming pink!
My first: I want a son whose first name will be Qhawe. This name means hero or saviour in the South African language, Xhosa. It is also a term used to hail The Divine. It is generally given to boys and the feminine of it would be Nomaqhawe.
My second boy: Khaled/ Khalid is an Arabic name meaning eternal or immortal. For me, the soul is immortal and this is my connection to the soul.
My third born son: Akhenaten. The name is Egyptian, after the pharoah Akhenaten with the meaning "The praise or devotion to Aten". In ancient Egypt, Aten was the God of the Sun Disk who in himself had two gods: Horus and Ra. Ra being the Rising Sun and Horus being the chariot master who transports The Sun.
My last born: Lesema. I jacked this name from the name my brother wants to name his first born. It means precious or "of extreme value" in Ronga which is the language of my father.
My first girl: Litha. This is another Xhosa name meaning "A ray of sunshine". It is usually a boys name, with the feminine being Nolitha or Lithalethu, the latter meaning "Our ray of sunshine", however, I appreciate the simplicity of Litha.
My second girl: (Possibly) Assana. This is an Irish name traditionally awarded to girls, meaning "waterfall". It reminds me of the constant cleansing and peacefulness of waterfalls and makes me smile inside.
Other names:
Shahar (Girl) - Goddess of the Dawn in Ugarit mythology.
Shalim (Boy) - God of the Dusk - Shahar's twin brother also in Ugarit mythology.
Tafari (Boy)- "He who inspires Awe" in Amharic.
Shanti (Girl) - "Peace", "rest", "calmness", "tranquility", "hot tempered", "bliss" or (in the words of TS Elliot,) "The Peace which passeth understanding." in Sanskrit.
Rudo (Boy/Unisex) - "Love" in Shona.
Ambara (Boy) - "Heaven" in Sanskrit
Seishin O Satori (Unisex) - "Enlightened spirit" in Japanese.
Zongxiàn (Boy) - "Wisdom of the ancestors" in Mandarin
At the moment, I think I want to have 6 of my own and adopt 2 because the plight of the less fortunate is that of my very own and no child deserves not to live life to the full because of the lack of foresight of his or her parents.
I have decided that I want 4 boys and 2 girls and I have already fallen in love with a few names that I romanticise about calling my little lambs - whom I will accept whether they come in white, grey, pitchblack or flaming pink!
My first: I want a son whose first name will be Qhawe. This name means hero or saviour in the South African language, Xhosa. It is also a term used to hail The Divine. It is generally given to boys and the feminine of it would be Nomaqhawe.
My second boy: Khaled/ Khalid is an Arabic name meaning eternal or immortal. For me, the soul is immortal and this is my connection to the soul.
My third born son: Akhenaten. The name is Egyptian, after the pharoah Akhenaten with the meaning "The praise or devotion to Aten". In ancient Egypt, Aten was the God of the Sun Disk who in himself had two gods: Horus and Ra. Ra being the Rising Sun and Horus being the chariot master who transports The Sun.
My last born: Lesema. I jacked this name from the name my brother wants to name his first born. It means precious or "of extreme value" in Ronga which is the language of my father.
My first girl: Litha. This is another Xhosa name meaning "A ray of sunshine". It is usually a boys name, with the feminine being Nolitha or Lithalethu, the latter meaning "Our ray of sunshine", however, I appreciate the simplicity of Litha.
My second girl: (Possibly) Assana. This is an Irish name traditionally awarded to girls, meaning "waterfall". It reminds me of the constant cleansing and peacefulness of waterfalls and makes me smile inside.
Other names:
Shahar (Girl) - Goddess of the Dawn in Ugarit mythology.
Shalim (Boy) - God of the Dusk - Shahar's twin brother also in Ugarit mythology.
Tafari (Boy)- "He who inspires Awe" in Amharic.
Shanti (Girl) - "Peace", "rest", "calmness", "tranquility", "hot tempered", "bliss" or (in the words of TS Elliot,) "The Peace which passeth understanding." in Sanskrit.
Rudo (Boy/Unisex) - "Love" in Shona.
Ambara (Boy) - "Heaven" in Sanskrit
Seishin O Satori (Unisex) - "Enlightened spirit" in Japanese.
Zongxiàn (Boy) - "Wisdom of the ancestors" in Mandarin
Monday, October 11, 2010
I WILL BE FREE: My Redemption Creed.
There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.
- Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela
Fighting for freedom isn't ever easy... It requires sacrifices that are beyond imaginable at times. Sometimes, it demands even the ultimate sacrifice - that of life.
I am and will continue fighting for my freedom. My freedom in every sense of the word.
I will liberate myself from the chains of society - and difficult as that may sound, it is one of the easier liberation struggles to win. Once you stop caring about society's opinion of you, your battle is half won. The biggest challenge is getting over the fact that you WILL be judged and you WILL be mocked and you WILL be scorned. Luckily for me, embarrassment has become somewhat of a myth; A tale which is spoken about but never really affects me. I have chosen to disregard judgement as most of it is based on ignorance and that which isn't still really has no bearing on my life whatsoever.
Emancipation of the mind, is emminent once you leave the brain sucking mob that is society. You cannot help but think for yourself and formulate your own conclusions once you reject all those which are fed to you but have no base. Once you start questioning, you start coming across and actively finding answers. Whether you mean to or not. If being a loner is the only con of withdrawal from society's braingwashing, then the pros of being able to think freely, formulate your own opinions and hunt the truth down definately outweigh the cons...
When you have started freeing yourself in thought, it is only a matter of time before you start feeling oppressed by the mundane. Be it friendships, habits, materialism, relationships etc.
AND THAT is where I find myself...
I feel so repressed and beleaguered by all the things that really are starting not to matter in my life. I find that I don't have the slightest inclination to entertain triffle, petty things any longer. I don't have time for immaturity and jealousy. I don't feel the need to indulge those who seek to control the lives of others or to manipulate me. I don't find that I should and sometimes can stomach mediocre, insubstantial pitfalls in this awesomely exceptional and extraodinary journey of life.
Although, this is a terrible coping mechanism, it works for me: I'm going to make a bubble and blow it away. Yes:
I stretch my arms out as far as I can, make the shape of a spherical object with them - beginning at the top and ending at the bottom, so that this imagined sphere rests in the palms of my hands. At the same time, think of all the things that trouble me, irritate me and make me feel generally negative and mentally place them all inside of this "bubble". Once inside, I blow as hard as I can and release all the negative.
AND THAT IS HOW I "MAKE A BUBBLE AND BLOW IT AWAY"...
Thus far, it is definately working for me. I release and feel released. Then, I proceed to amputate the decomposing and decaying relations out of my life and the oppression that I once felt no longer exists.
Only I can give you the power to oppress me...
And I WILL live my freedom to the death. Even if death is what it means.
Robert Nesta Marley once sang:
"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds..."
Live your freedom as it is: The ulimate gift from The Divine.
May it shine for and upon you along with the love and peace They give.
Blessings,
The Black Sheep
XXX
- Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela
Fighting for freedom isn't ever easy... It requires sacrifices that are beyond imaginable at times. Sometimes, it demands even the ultimate sacrifice - that of life.
I am and will continue fighting for my freedom. My freedom in every sense of the word.
I will liberate myself from the chains of society - and difficult as that may sound, it is one of the easier liberation struggles to win. Once you stop caring about society's opinion of you, your battle is half won. The biggest challenge is getting over the fact that you WILL be judged and you WILL be mocked and you WILL be scorned. Luckily for me, embarrassment has become somewhat of a myth; A tale which is spoken about but never really affects me. I have chosen to disregard judgement as most of it is based on ignorance and that which isn't still really has no bearing on my life whatsoever.
Emancipation of the mind, is emminent once you leave the brain sucking mob that is society. You cannot help but think for yourself and formulate your own conclusions once you reject all those which are fed to you but have no base. Once you start questioning, you start coming across and actively finding answers. Whether you mean to or not. If being a loner is the only con of withdrawal from society's braingwashing, then the pros of being able to think freely, formulate your own opinions and hunt the truth down definately outweigh the cons...
When you have started freeing yourself in thought, it is only a matter of time before you start feeling oppressed by the mundane. Be it friendships, habits, materialism, relationships etc.
AND THAT is where I find myself...
I feel so repressed and beleaguered by all the things that really are starting not to matter in my life. I find that I don't have the slightest inclination to entertain triffle, petty things any longer. I don't have time for immaturity and jealousy. I don't feel the need to indulge those who seek to control the lives of others or to manipulate me. I don't find that I should and sometimes can stomach mediocre, insubstantial pitfalls in this awesomely exceptional and extraodinary journey of life.
Although, this is a terrible coping mechanism, it works for me: I'm going to make a bubble and blow it away. Yes:
I stretch my arms out as far as I can, make the shape of a spherical object with them - beginning at the top and ending at the bottom, so that this imagined sphere rests in the palms of my hands. At the same time, think of all the things that trouble me, irritate me and make me feel generally negative and mentally place them all inside of this "bubble". Once inside, I blow as hard as I can and release all the negative.
AND THAT IS HOW I "MAKE A BUBBLE AND BLOW IT AWAY"...
Thus far, it is definately working for me. I release and feel released. Then, I proceed to amputate the decomposing and decaying relations out of my life and the oppression that I once felt no longer exists.
Only I can give you the power to oppress me...
And I WILL live my freedom to the death. Even if death is what it means.
Robert Nesta Marley once sang:
"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds..."
Live your freedom as it is: The ulimate gift from The Divine.
May it shine for and upon you along with the love and peace They give.
Blessings,
The Black Sheep
XXX
Friday, October 8, 2010
Understanding. Judgement.
I believe in a lot of things.
And I believe in a lot of things that others find controversial. But for me, that's okay. I don't think people are meant to agree on everything. Else there'd be no room for free thinking and improvement. I don't want people to agree with what I'm saying. I just need for them to respect that I believe in what I believe in.
I believe that Society is a bunch of people lying to one another and making those lies, the standard. The norm. Society is a group bully that secretly doesn't really believe in its own teachings. Society is the Sadducees and the Pharisees. It's a big horde of hypocrites. The term - and even the idea - of Society exists primarily and nearly purely to throw stones at anything that isn't the same. That dares to be different. That dares to live what Society wishes it could...
I feel that I'm here to live out The Truth. And if not The Universal Truth, then just My Truth, at least. But at the same time, it feels as though noone wants to understand that. No one wants to understand that I can be different and human, still. I can have my own beliefs, rituals and cultures without having to live like a leper. Now, I'm not professing to be some kind of messiah or buddha or that "All those who look for the light must follow me for salvation". I just believe that we are here to better ourselves in the greater scheme of things (whatever your "Greater Scheme" may be); And to live and let live. Judgement is not only unecessary, it is also futile, arrogant and barbaric.
Judgement is the reason that Jesus was killed. The reason the Jews were persecuted in Germany and are still marginalised in other parts of the world. Judgement is what made people all over the world discriminate against minorities. It was the cause of slavery and apartheid. The reason Maoris and Native Americans living in sanctuaries and reserves (sometimes included in the natural fauna and flora). It's the reason for genocide. The reason for wars. Judgement is the cause of hatred...
The fact that I - in my absolute humanness and infinite subjectivity - deem myself, based on no true merit, worthy to judge and restrict and otherwise rule over any other human being who in all honesty has as much right to this Earth and life as (if not more than) me is quite simply absurd. It makes no sense at all and when looked at closely, detracts from the humanity of myself and others.
I think I've been cursed with not being understood. Or maybe everyone actually understands me and I just refuse to accept their understanding because I want understanding on my terms... And maybe that, in and of itself is my own little special way of judging others... I seriously doubt it, but it could be. (Like I've stade in earlier blog posts, I sometimes have to second guess my every thought process.)
However, judgement is like starvation and disease. It is an age-old flaw of the human psyche and will always be there. How we choose to live with the judgement cast on you, or that which you subject others to is up to you.
Wisdom and Understaning from The Divine...
The Black Sheep.
XXX
And I believe in a lot of things that others find controversial. But for me, that's okay. I don't think people are meant to agree on everything. Else there'd be no room for free thinking and improvement. I don't want people to agree with what I'm saying. I just need for them to respect that I believe in what I believe in.
I believe that Society is a bunch of people lying to one another and making those lies, the standard. The norm. Society is a group bully that secretly doesn't really believe in its own teachings. Society is the Sadducees and the Pharisees. It's a big horde of hypocrites. The term - and even the idea - of Society exists primarily and nearly purely to throw stones at anything that isn't the same. That dares to be different. That dares to live what Society wishes it could...
I feel that I'm here to live out The Truth. And if not The Universal Truth, then just My Truth, at least. But at the same time, it feels as though noone wants to understand that. No one wants to understand that I can be different and human, still. I can have my own beliefs, rituals and cultures without having to live like a leper. Now, I'm not professing to be some kind of messiah or buddha or that "All those who look for the light must follow me for salvation". I just believe that we are here to better ourselves in the greater scheme of things (whatever your "Greater Scheme" may be); And to live and let live. Judgement is not only unecessary, it is also futile, arrogant and barbaric.
Judgement is the reason that Jesus was killed. The reason the Jews were persecuted in Germany and are still marginalised in other parts of the world. Judgement is what made people all over the world discriminate against minorities. It was the cause of slavery and apartheid. The reason Maoris and Native Americans living in sanctuaries and reserves (sometimes included in the natural fauna and flora). It's the reason for genocide. The reason for wars. Judgement is the cause of hatred...
The fact that I - in my absolute humanness and infinite subjectivity - deem myself, based on no true merit, worthy to judge and restrict and otherwise rule over any other human being who in all honesty has as much right to this Earth and life as (if not more than) me is quite simply absurd. It makes no sense at all and when looked at closely, detracts from the humanity of myself and others.
I think I've been cursed with not being understood. Or maybe everyone actually understands me and I just refuse to accept their understanding because I want understanding on my terms... And maybe that, in and of itself is my own little special way of judging others... I seriously doubt it, but it could be. (Like I've stade in earlier blog posts, I sometimes have to second guess my every thought process.)
However, judgement is like starvation and disease. It is an age-old flaw of the human psyche and will always be there. How we choose to live with the judgement cast on you, or that which you subject others to is up to you.
Wisdom and Understaning from The Divine...
The Black Sheep.
XXX
Thursday, September 30, 2010
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
So.....
After a great night's rest, no sex in over 36 hours and... I'm feeling AMAZING!!! I don't know if it's because of the meditation or the church service or the fact that I've BEEN eating or if it's just that I'm really just happy.
See, I generally have learned to look at my random days of happiness with a great deal of circumspection, but today, I'm so happy, I don't even care if it's caused by a tip over to the manic side. I'm gonna make the best of today.
This is a blessing... It literally feels as though the Divine is smiling a sunshine of a smile on my soul. It's amazing. It's a little glimpse of AGAPE and instead of questioning it - just for today - I'm simply going to thank The Lord for it and ride this wave like Ciara does the floor...
I'm not sure if i'm going to pursue anything that might enhance or detract for my mood. I'm not sure if it's going to last. I'm not even sure of the reasons for my mood. But one thing I am sure of is that I ain't complaining and IF IT AIN'T BROKE, DON'T FIX IT...
THANKS AND PRAISES to The Divine.
May He smile his smile upon your spirit and your life...
XXX
The [Happy] Black Sheep
After a great night's rest, no sex in over 36 hours and... I'm feeling AMAZING!!! I don't know if it's because of the meditation or the church service or the fact that I've BEEN eating or if it's just that I'm really just happy.
See, I generally have learned to look at my random days of happiness with a great deal of circumspection, but today, I'm so happy, I don't even care if it's caused by a tip over to the manic side. I'm gonna make the best of today.
This is a blessing... It literally feels as though the Divine is smiling a sunshine of a smile on my soul. It's amazing. It's a little glimpse of AGAPE and instead of questioning it - just for today - I'm simply going to thank The Lord for it and ride this wave like Ciara does the floor...
I'm not sure if i'm going to pursue anything that might enhance or detract for my mood. I'm not sure if it's going to last. I'm not even sure of the reasons for my mood. But one thing I am sure of is that I ain't complaining and IF IT AIN'T BROKE, DON'T FIX IT...
THANKS AND PRAISES to The Divine.
May He smile his smile upon your spirit and your life...
XXX
The [Happy] Black Sheep
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Cement and vinegar. Idealisation and Devaluation. The story of my life.
Did you know that vinegar dissolves/ erodes cement?
I found that out while I was an alter server - *PAUSE* no homo - at St Peter Claver: the old Catholic Church I grew up in, back in my hometown of Soweto, South Africa. There were renovations and an extension of the building underway and the door of the sacristy needed to be removed in order to create more space within the church... I didn't even realise it until my younger sister (generally the brighter of us two) pointed it out to me. I think I'll never forget that day.
Who would've thought that something as bitter and relatively useless as vinegar could in theory send an entire brick and mortar stucture tumbling? It was quite an epiphany for me.
My brother, the one about whom I wrote in my previous post, titled Homesick: Bad dreams, hot tears and cold sweats, a few day ago sent me a message that has melted my heart and flooded both my eyes with tears and my heart with emotion. I feel like that old Catholic Church and I can't be sure whether my brother, Hilario is the vinegar or the ebb and flow of my illness is.
Some of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are black and white thinking, splitting and (most relevantly to this post in particular,) a frequent manifestation in idealization and devaluation episodes. Wikepedia defines this last concept as follows:
When an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are
mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation.
The defense that helps in this process is called splitting. Splitting is the tendency
to view events or people as either all bad or all good.[1] When viewing people as
all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism idealization: a
mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities
to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs
devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.
My brother expressed a great deal of concern and love for me. Feeling that, although I knew were present, I had stop being able to recognise from him. Well, at least, not at all in a meaningful and positively affective way at all. I felt a weird rush of emotion. It's weird because I have become very distant and detached from feeling and emotion in general. This feeling that I felt was familiar. Nostalgic. For the period of that rush of emotion, I felt like I had my big brother back again.
In his view, he probably never left at all. In mine, the emptiness he left behind was almost tangible. I feel neglected and abandoned for the most part. By most people. That's another perk of the illness. My perception of reality is never really real. That's scary in a very numbing "learn to live with it" kind of way. Everything I think and feel is like looking at one's image through rippling water. Its never clear. Never precise.
I have gone through a period when I have hated most people in my life. I can't think of someone who actually matters in my life, whom I haven't hated profusely at some point in time. My interpersonal relationships are and have always been pretty shitty. And that's a euphamism...
I don't know how to deal with this or what the appropriate course of action in this whole rippling lake is, but I do know that my mental erection of cement has been dissolved away. Right not, I love and miss my big brother. I don't know how long that will last, but right now, he might as well get a cape and super powers because he is my hero!
Confused much? The story of my life...
XXX
The Black Sheep.
I found that out while I was an alter server - *PAUSE* no homo - at St Peter Claver: the old Catholic Church I grew up in, back in my hometown of Soweto, South Africa. There were renovations and an extension of the building underway and the door of the sacristy needed to be removed in order to create more space within the church... I didn't even realise it until my younger sister (generally the brighter of us two) pointed it out to me. I think I'll never forget that day.
Who would've thought that something as bitter and relatively useless as vinegar could in theory send an entire brick and mortar stucture tumbling? It was quite an epiphany for me.
My brother, the one about whom I wrote in my previous post, titled Homesick: Bad dreams, hot tears and cold sweats, a few day ago sent me a message that has melted my heart and flooded both my eyes with tears and my heart with emotion. I feel like that old Catholic Church and I can't be sure whether my brother, Hilario is the vinegar or the ebb and flow of my illness is.
Some of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are black and white thinking, splitting and (most relevantly to this post in particular,) a frequent manifestation in idealization and devaluation episodes. Wikepedia defines this last concept as follows:
When an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are
mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation.
The defense that helps in this process is called splitting. Splitting is the tendency
to view events or people as either all bad or all good.[1] When viewing people as
all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism idealization: a
mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities
to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs
devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.
My brother expressed a great deal of concern and love for me. Feeling that, although I knew were present, I had stop being able to recognise from him. Well, at least, not at all in a meaningful and positively affective way at all. I felt a weird rush of emotion. It's weird because I have become very distant and detached from feeling and emotion in general. This feeling that I felt was familiar. Nostalgic. For the period of that rush of emotion, I felt like I had my big brother back again.
In his view, he probably never left at all. In mine, the emptiness he left behind was almost tangible. I feel neglected and abandoned for the most part. By most people. That's another perk of the illness. My perception of reality is never really real. That's scary in a very numbing "learn to live with it" kind of way. Everything I think and feel is like looking at one's image through rippling water. Its never clear. Never precise.
I have gone through a period when I have hated most people in my life. I can't think of someone who actually matters in my life, whom I haven't hated profusely at some point in time. My interpersonal relationships are and have always been pretty shitty. And that's a euphamism...
I don't know how to deal with this or what the appropriate course of action in this whole rippling lake is, but I do know that my mental erection of cement has been dissolved away. Right not, I love and miss my big brother. I don't know how long that will last, but right now, he might as well get a cape and super powers because he is my hero!
Confused much? The story of my life...
XXX
The Black Sheep.
The Battlefield that is Life... How war is won.
Okay so, in my head, Life has always been one big game.
It's like chess, but the kind of chess that I'm really good at. I really suck balls at chess. Well, anyway, Life is like a hugh chess game where everyone is the king and the queen. The method is to use the resources around you in order to maintain and improve your status.
Now, due to the fact that chess (and hence Life, by extension) is a peaceful war, things may tend to get a bit brutal.
There is bound to be a whole lot of manipulation. That's what happens. You are working towards a goal and everything in between is either an aid or hinderence. That is how you must view everything and everyone. Yet all the while you must be a wolf in sheep's skin. You cannot all out be the aggressor in a peaceful war. Otherwise - You lose.
Egos will always feature in a war. Complete annihilation of the opponent highlights your competencies. It polishes your ego while crushing theirs. And so it should be in war. In order not to be engaged with by others, one must accomplish admiration from potential opponents. To achieve vast admiration one must be feared by most. You cannot merely defeat the opposition in such a case. You must disseminated him. Utterly.
The best way in which to win a war is through deception, surprise and strealth. Without these, you are only as smart as your dumbest opponent.
I can't really tell you when or how I discovered this. That it's all one big game. I must have been young because manipulation has been in my way of life since I can remember. The tantrums, the sulking, the self hurt and the destruction. As in all war, one must make sacrifices and the "scorched land" philosophy isn't above me. That's the thing, in a war. Morals and principles all fade to grey. What matters is the amount of blood shed - Just to prove your point.
"That I am infinately and supremely superior to anything you will ever fathom. I am God!"
Now, while this is a very self involved, pompus way to put it, this and this alone is the reason for all human conflict. The fact that one must prove to another that he is right. He is superior. He is God!
Please don't think of this as blasphlemous. In all of us, there is God; But the fact that we can feel it and sense it sometimes makes us, as humans, very self righteous. Usually with the effect of undermining others. To the point of alienation.
Chess is not a team sport. It is a lone, and lonely sport. As is war. When all is said and done, you must have proven your superiority. And what does it all matter amidst the gloom and destruction? What worth is a king if his kingdom is a bloodied and death-filled war field? And how does a king rule over corpses? It was all for nothing.
How then do we surpass this basic human flaw?
Simple.
Realise that in your Godliness, you are not alone. Respect for your fellow man equals eternal praise to God and to Self. After all, we are all one in The Divine... The only way to win the war is to lose it. Pride has no place in a higher, less humanistic realm. All that is human locks us into this realm and prevents any form of spiritual and basic growth. While war causes the human to win, the soul is busy being killed. Surrender is our only chance at soulful victory. Or even survival. When you fight, you end up fighting your brother. Your God. Yourself.
Makes no sense, right?
This is my truth.
It is the word.
It is the unspoken.
It is...
Blessing from The Divine,
May their patience and peace always follow you.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Heaven, hell and The Souls in between.
So... While I've decided that I should never say no to myself and that I am my own type of hedonist, I also know that everything is Sacred and therefore taking part in pleasure is in itself its own form of sacrifice and dedication. See, according to the "Righteous" way of life, I am doomed to hell because I don't "starve the body in this life, to save the soul in the next". And I know that. But, it's rather difficult to repent when there is no transgression committed. And I do find the idea rather complex: To fear the doom and damnation of hell when I do not believe it exists.
The soul will always find its way to The Divine...
Whether it takes reincarnation, ghostly hauntings, seances or voudou, the soul will always find Its Creator. The Divine is like a ball of prestik and we're all tiny little bits stuck to different places and dispersed through different viewpoints and experiences in life. Essentially, we're all from this giant stickyball and eventually our soul will find a way to return to It. It's just how life is.
Hell, like life, is also a phase. It isn't an eventuality where your soul burns for the rest of eternity. The Divine after all, loaned us all a little piece of soul for our journey. Why then, would The Divine banish parts of The Divine's Self to burn in a lake of fire and brimstone, with an insurpassable, unchartered realm between souls and The Divine Self through which not even Angels can tread?
It wouldn't make sense for a bank to lend out loans which it never plans to reclaim or have repaid. Just the same: For The Creator (God, Krishna, Allah, Yahweh or Whomever you believe in) to give away parts of "Himself" which He merely planned on destroying all for the effect of being able to say "I told you so..." is absurd!
No, that is a human temperament. And it is blasphemy to insinuate that The Divine could ever be as petty as to resort to "cutting of one's nose to spite one's face". If humans, in all our couple of hundred thousand years of existence, have learned to circumnavigate that purility, how arrogant is it to assume that "He" who created us and created the concept of love and forgiveness simple couldn't?
Now, the whole hell vs Heaven concept raises the question: If there is no hell, why should I be good? Why not just resign my life to candid evil and blind self gratification? Because Hell has always been and will always be a state of being... Until you learn to do it right, you will keep falling. Until you find inner tranquility, you will keep living whirlwinds. And until you uplift the inner good (Heaven) you will dwell in the perpetual evil - which, friend, is your own personal hell.
See, the debate that people are neutral and can choose whether to be good or evil is essentially flawed by the fact that normal humans are plagued by a conscious. There is, however, no innate device that highlights one's lack of evil or a surplus of good which urges you to replenish that so-called equilibrium or neutrality. Humans are innately good.
Granted there are those psychopaths who are allegedly without a conscience, but (firstly,) most of those cases involve childhood trauma and some sort of detatchment, and (secondly) that is the exception to the rule. It's like trying to dissuade someone that a human requires a heart to live on the odd chance that one in several humans survive on a pacemaker.
Friends, the choices you make in life will determine the outcomes of your afterlife from this, but there is always hope. When you've hit the lowest of the low, the ability to recognise The Divine in yourself is your saving grace. It is what stops hell from being eternal. It is what brings us back on track to Enlightenment.
Blessings and love from the Divine.
May you find yourself closer to Heaven.
The soul will always find its way to The Divine...
Whether it takes reincarnation, ghostly hauntings, seances or voudou, the soul will always find Its Creator. The Divine is like a ball of prestik and we're all tiny little bits stuck to different places and dispersed through different viewpoints and experiences in life. Essentially, we're all from this giant stickyball and eventually our soul will find a way to return to It. It's just how life is.
Hell, like life, is also a phase. It isn't an eventuality where your soul burns for the rest of eternity. The Divine after all, loaned us all a little piece of soul for our journey. Why then, would The Divine banish parts of The Divine's Self to burn in a lake of fire and brimstone, with an insurpassable, unchartered realm between souls and The Divine Self through which not even Angels can tread?
It wouldn't make sense for a bank to lend out loans which it never plans to reclaim or have repaid. Just the same: For The Creator (God, Krishna, Allah, Yahweh or Whomever you believe in) to give away parts of "Himself" which He merely planned on destroying all for the effect of being able to say "I told you so..." is absurd!
No, that is a human temperament. And it is blasphemy to insinuate that The Divine could ever be as petty as to resort to "cutting of one's nose to spite one's face". If humans, in all our couple of hundred thousand years of existence, have learned to circumnavigate that purility, how arrogant is it to assume that "He" who created us and created the concept of love and forgiveness simple couldn't?
Now, the whole hell vs Heaven concept raises the question: If there is no hell, why should I be good? Why not just resign my life to candid evil and blind self gratification? Because Hell has always been and will always be a state of being... Until you learn to do it right, you will keep falling. Until you find inner tranquility, you will keep living whirlwinds. And until you uplift the inner good (Heaven) you will dwell in the perpetual evil - which, friend, is your own personal hell.
See, the debate that people are neutral and can choose whether to be good or evil is essentially flawed by the fact that normal humans are plagued by a conscious. There is, however, no innate device that highlights one's lack of evil or a surplus of good which urges you to replenish that so-called equilibrium or neutrality. Humans are innately good.
Granted there are those psychopaths who are allegedly without a conscience, but (firstly,) most of those cases involve childhood trauma and some sort of detatchment, and (secondly) that is the exception to the rule. It's like trying to dissuade someone that a human requires a heart to live on the odd chance that one in several humans survive on a pacemaker.
Friends, the choices you make in life will determine the outcomes of your afterlife from this, but there is always hope. When you've hit the lowest of the low, the ability to recognise The Divine in yourself is your saving grace. It is what stops hell from being eternal. It is what brings us back on track to Enlightenment.
Blessings and love from the Divine.
May you find yourself closer to Heaven.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Homesick: Bad dreams, hot tears and cold sweats.
So, I've been having these hectic dreams lately... Because of my medication (the anti-depressants and sedatives) I sometimes (more often than not) have very vivid dreams. They seldom ever really amount to anything or even affect me because as long as I'm happy, the dreams either are irrelevant or I can't remember. Of late, I've been getting rather rattled by my dreams...
I think I'm getting a bit home sick, though. I keep dreaming about my family and our relationships. That's weird. I've never really been home sick in my life.
(Save for that one time that I had a seemingly - at the time - deathly bout of flu that rendered me unable to sleep for lack of breathe. It was a horror. All I could do was cry and even that made everything worse because have you ever tried crying with a blocked nose? Well, I ended up missing home due to the fact that my mother is a qualified nurse and always seemed to make me feel better. That and the fact that she would usually force me to stay in bed and watch tv to delicious food. At that time I was living with my younger sister, whose idea of a good meal was - without any exclusion: Oreos, marshmallows, a slab of chocolate, 2l of cola and a huge packet of cheese puffs. Now, I don't judge - and when in perfect health, this doesn't seem like a bad idea - but when you feel like you're on death's door, some chicken soup is very soothing.)
This home sickness is weird. It's like a yearning for my family. Not so much what I would get out of being with them as much as a yearning for each family member's personality. Their whims and all the things that bug me about them. The gay way in which they make sincere, yet non-mushy compliments like, "You're actually very pretty when you smile" or "Your body makes me jealous coz you eat everything and you still have that shape."
Last night, I dreamt that there was a fashion show of sorts, hosted by myself and my two sisters. Now, although I had a collection, like both my sisters, I also decided to be my own model. This is where the missing of my family came in. The way my older sister stayed up all night to help me fix my hair. And my younger sister took over everything else while I was out of commission doing my hair. The way my parents hurried into an almost panic (the way they always do when we're about to be late) yelling at everyone in that "tough-love" kinda way.
Weirdly enough, my brother didn't really feature. At all.
The only thing that I can think of that could even remotely explain this is that in my borderline-ness, due to the splitting and the idealization and devaluation, I have kinda removed him from "my family" because in my mind he removed himself. See, my brother has always been the logical thinker. The kind of person who isolates the problem. In my illness, he has always been of the opinion that I choose to let it affect me the way it does. While everyone else has tried to be understanding to the way in which the illness manifests itself, he has always made it out to be something that I give power over me. Now, while that may make sense in his head, because of the way he thinks and reasons, in my head it is as if he is blaming me.
I love the memories of my brother. He was the best older brother on Earth! But the way in which he constantly enforces his ways of thought onto everyone else (and I can't stand dogmas and the dogmatic) especially me has just in my mind cut ties between us almost completely. I can't see us ever being the friends that we used to be. He is and will always be more of that relentless gym instructor who doesn't care that you just came out of recovery... I still love him, but his role in my life has become more like a job than a relationship.
These dreams have forced me to think about this stuff. I wake up in cold sweats and tears. I miss my family. I miss my home, but nothing will ever be the same.
I have to build a new life for myself.
Wish me luck.
I think I'm getting a bit home sick, though. I keep dreaming about my family and our relationships. That's weird. I've never really been home sick in my life.
(Save for that one time that I had a seemingly - at the time - deathly bout of flu that rendered me unable to sleep for lack of breathe. It was a horror. All I could do was cry and even that made everything worse because have you ever tried crying with a blocked nose? Well, I ended up missing home due to the fact that my mother is a qualified nurse and always seemed to make me feel better. That and the fact that she would usually force me to stay in bed and watch tv to delicious food. At that time I was living with my younger sister, whose idea of a good meal was - without any exclusion: Oreos, marshmallows, a slab of chocolate, 2l of cola and a huge packet of cheese puffs. Now, I don't judge - and when in perfect health, this doesn't seem like a bad idea - but when you feel like you're on death's door, some chicken soup is very soothing.)
This home sickness is weird. It's like a yearning for my family. Not so much what I would get out of being with them as much as a yearning for each family member's personality. Their whims and all the things that bug me about them. The gay way in which they make sincere, yet non-mushy compliments like, "You're actually very pretty when you smile" or "Your body makes me jealous coz you eat everything and you still have that shape."
Last night, I dreamt that there was a fashion show of sorts, hosted by myself and my two sisters. Now, although I had a collection, like both my sisters, I also decided to be my own model. This is where the missing of my family came in. The way my older sister stayed up all night to help me fix my hair. And my younger sister took over everything else while I was out of commission doing my hair. The way my parents hurried into an almost panic (the way they always do when we're about to be late) yelling at everyone in that "tough-love" kinda way.
Weirdly enough, my brother didn't really feature. At all.
The only thing that I can think of that could even remotely explain this is that in my borderline-ness, due to the splitting and the idealization and devaluation, I have kinda removed him from "my family" because in my mind he removed himself. See, my brother has always been the logical thinker. The kind of person who isolates the problem. In my illness, he has always been of the opinion that I choose to let it affect me the way it does. While everyone else has tried to be understanding to the way in which the illness manifests itself, he has always made it out to be something that I give power over me. Now, while that may make sense in his head, because of the way he thinks and reasons, in my head it is as if he is blaming me.
I love the memories of my brother. He was the best older brother on Earth! But the way in which he constantly enforces his ways of thought onto everyone else (and I can't stand dogmas and the dogmatic) especially me has just in my mind cut ties between us almost completely. I can't see us ever being the friends that we used to be. He is and will always be more of that relentless gym instructor who doesn't care that you just came out of recovery... I still love him, but his role in my life has become more like a job than a relationship.
These dreams have forced me to think about this stuff. I wake up in cold sweats and tears. I miss my family. I miss my home, but nothing will ever be the same.
I have to build a new life for myself.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Self doubt
I like to put on the facade of this strong, powerful and determined person who has everything going for her and has nothing to lose. Its fun. It's liberating. Having people accept that they can't fuck with you before they even try is the best thing on Earth!
And for the most part, this is true.
But, sometimes reality, life and disappointment get in the way. Then what the hell am I to do? Let me explain: It's all dandy to rate that you're invinceable and to even play the part. That is, until you get conquored... Then it just feels like it was all a lie. A waste of time.
But was it really?
Although I do feel dragged down by the everyday and unpredictable occurances in life, I must realise that I am and will always be who I want to be - Who I let myself be. And if a few thorns are stuck into my side, it is my choice whether to leave them there to fester, while I limp around wounded for life or to pull them out - knowing that that might hurt even more - and continue to live my life; healed and stronger than I used to be.
It is natural to think of one's own limitations. But if you never try, then you are your only limitation. And if you can live with that, I guess you deserve to be limited by yourself. Self doubt is normal. It is the barrier between over-confidence and reality. But it should always be in perspective and always be a reflection of the truth.
I feel silly admitting to this, but, I stopped blogging a while ago because of belittlement on the part of someone who either wished to break me or was honestly amused by the insignificant action of me blogging. In the case of the former, it did work for a while. She managed to break my drive and ambition. But the persistence of soul will endure. In the case of the latter, allegedly small things amuse small minds - but then again, I'm not one to judge. She could've mocked my blogs for any number of reasons - malicious or not. And due to the fact that I do not know, I bear no ill-feelings towards her. After all, that would be like allowing the thorn in my side to heal over with an infected cyst within.
All I am saying is that, believe who you want to be. There will be many people who will try to dissuade you from your own greatness. You know yourself better than they do. If you doubt your capabilities, doubt them on true (de)merit, not on the fallacies created by those around you.
Basically, if you do have self doubt, may it always come truly from self. Noone is worth you feeling shitty over.
That's all.
And for the most part, this is true.
But, sometimes reality, life and disappointment get in the way. Then what the hell am I to do? Let me explain: It's all dandy to rate that you're invinceable and to even play the part. That is, until you get conquored... Then it just feels like it was all a lie. A waste of time.
But was it really?
Although I do feel dragged down by the everyday and unpredictable occurances in life, I must realise that I am and will always be who I want to be - Who I let myself be. And if a few thorns are stuck into my side, it is my choice whether to leave them there to fester, while I limp around wounded for life or to pull them out - knowing that that might hurt even more - and continue to live my life; healed and stronger than I used to be.
It is natural to think of one's own limitations. But if you never try, then you are your only limitation. And if you can live with that, I guess you deserve to be limited by yourself. Self doubt is normal. It is the barrier between over-confidence and reality. But it should always be in perspective and always be a reflection of the truth.
I feel silly admitting to this, but, I stopped blogging a while ago because of belittlement on the part of someone who either wished to break me or was honestly amused by the insignificant action of me blogging. In the case of the former, it did work for a while. She managed to break my drive and ambition. But the persistence of soul will endure. In the case of the latter, allegedly small things amuse small minds - but then again, I'm not one to judge. She could've mocked my blogs for any number of reasons - malicious or not. And due to the fact that I do not know, I bear no ill-feelings towards her. After all, that would be like allowing the thorn in my side to heal over with an infected cyst within.
All I am saying is that, believe who you want to be. There will be many people who will try to dissuade you from your own greatness. You know yourself better than they do. If you doubt your capabilities, doubt them on true (de)merit, not on the fallacies created by those around you.
Basically, if you do have self doubt, may it always come truly from self. Noone is worth you feeling shitty over.
That's all.
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Last Word
Sometimes humans are petty. And we can't help it. We just are. Unles we have the last word, we feel that we have been defeated. We feel that in order to remain "in the right" we have to justify ourselves until the other party/ies succumb to our superior knowledge and by extention, our superiority in general...
I've found that this - and this alone - is the cause of all conflict. The need to be right and to ba acknowledged as right is the only reason people ever engage in conflict. The Palestinians NEED to prove to the Isrealis that they are the one true religion of that area (and by extension of the world) and vice versa. Capitalism and Democracy is still fighting for the general populus to acknowledge that they as institutions (and by extension, as brains) are more correct than Communism and Socialism. The Catholics and Protestants and Jews and Muslims...
Why? What will being right achieve?
Now... What would happen if we all became happy in our own knowledge of being right? What if humans could accept that other humans could be just as right as we are? Could we ever be able to maturely agree to disagree? If I know that I am right, why do I need another human - who also has, and is entitled to their own viewpoints - to agree with me?
This isn't a vote or a popularity contest.
The thing with having beliefs is that they are yours and noone can take them away from you. If the entire world disagrees with you, that, happens to be the entire worlds problem. You need to beieve in your convictions and then, you need to understand that by virtue of you having opinions, you will disagree with those of others. That is a simple fact. But that should never be cause for conflict.
I have the right to think. The right to be. Why on Earth would whatever "power-that-be" make me more correct than any other person, without facilitating any means of this being proven, without conflict?
This is stupid. People need to put their big-person pants on and learn to live and let live. You cant be bitter because I don't think you're right. And if you don't think I'm right - well, that's okay too.
"Do not argue with a fool. People will never know the difference." - African Proverb
I REALLY don't need to have the last word...
Peace and Love
The Black Sheep
I've found that this - and this alone - is the cause of all conflict. The need to be right and to ba acknowledged as right is the only reason people ever engage in conflict. The Palestinians NEED to prove to the Isrealis that they are the one true religion of that area (and by extension of the world) and vice versa. Capitalism and Democracy is still fighting for the general populus to acknowledge that they as institutions (and by extension, as brains) are more correct than Communism and Socialism. The Catholics and Protestants and Jews and Muslims...
Why? What will being right achieve?
Now... What would happen if we all became happy in our own knowledge of being right? What if humans could accept that other humans could be just as right as we are? Could we ever be able to maturely agree to disagree? If I know that I am right, why do I need another human - who also has, and is entitled to their own viewpoints - to agree with me?
This isn't a vote or a popularity contest.
The thing with having beliefs is that they are yours and noone can take them away from you. If the entire world disagrees with you, that, happens to be the entire worlds problem. You need to beieve in your convictions and then, you need to understand that by virtue of you having opinions, you will disagree with those of others. That is a simple fact. But that should never be cause for conflict.
I have the right to think. The right to be. Why on Earth would whatever "power-that-be" make me more correct than any other person, without facilitating any means of this being proven, without conflict?
This is stupid. People need to put their big-person pants on and learn to live and let live. You cant be bitter because I don't think you're right. And if you don't think I'm right - well, that's okay too.
"Do not argue with a fool. People will never know the difference." - African Proverb
I REALLY don't need to have the last word...
Peace and Love
The Black Sheep
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Losing my mind to the Ghosts in my head.
Imagine hearing different sides of you speaking to you. Sides that you know and recognise. Sides that, by their very existence negate all other sides, but all still exists. It's like I have ghosts - IN MY HEAD! These, they call "The Voices".
Due to the fact that I suffer from both a mood (bi-polar) as well as a personality (borderline) disorder, it's really hard to tell when I'm alright and when I'm just losing it. Have you ever had to second guess your sanity. On a serious level? Most days, I'm faced with the task of discerning between real emotion and the symptoms of mental illness.
While it's great to play the triumphant hero who is never a victim - the "I have evrything under control" supergirl - somethimes it is literally heart breaking to have to ask myself: "Ntsaki, are you sure? Is this really you?" I don't know who I am some of the time and I have to question that all the time. How do I really know?
Mental illness is unlike any other kind of illness because your body never really lets you know that you are ill. I feel normal for the most part - That is until someone else highlights your brain's discrepencies... That or the fact that you find yourself in that "It'd never happen to me"/ "How did I become like this" situation. It crushes me every single time I have to step away from the current situation in order to debate with myself whether I am "coping" or not. If there were anything that could create a weakness, this would be it.
It's hard not being believed. It's even worse when the person who doesn't believe you is you.
Right now, I don't know what is going on with me. I am hurt and upset. And the fact that I cannot triangulate the origins of these feelings; And that everything not only looks and feels - but even in all efforts towards objectivity - in my head IS dire makes me all the more depressed.
Everytime I feel this way, all I can do is hope and pray that I can get through it. (Which usually serves no purpose as both these words imply some sort of faith or belief which by now is almost completely void.) I can't ever speak to anyone about it since noone understands - or even wants to understand. It's just another spoilt little girl acting the victim. No one gets the fact that my life IS a bad LSD trip sometimes, and that there is nothing I can do about it.
No one ever chooses mental illness. Trust me, if we could be 100% sure of our every thought and decision, we would have tapped out of these claustrophobic conditions ions ago. It has come to the point when I hate my brain. And I hate myself for being defective.
Having an intangible nemesis is much like being a ghost buster with no equipment. It is frustrating, having a barely-exsistent worst enimy. It's debilitating being your own...
Due to the fact that I suffer from both a mood (bi-polar) as well as a personality (borderline) disorder, it's really hard to tell when I'm alright and when I'm just losing it. Have you ever had to second guess your sanity. On a serious level? Most days, I'm faced with the task of discerning between real emotion and the symptoms of mental illness.
While it's great to play the triumphant hero who is never a victim - the "I have evrything under control" supergirl - somethimes it is literally heart breaking to have to ask myself: "Ntsaki, are you sure? Is this really you?" I don't know who I am some of the time and I have to question that all the time. How do I really know?
Mental illness is unlike any other kind of illness because your body never really lets you know that you are ill. I feel normal for the most part - That is until someone else highlights your brain's discrepencies... That or the fact that you find yourself in that "It'd never happen to me"/ "How did I become like this" situation. It crushes me every single time I have to step away from the current situation in order to debate with myself whether I am "coping" or not. If there were anything that could create a weakness, this would be it.
It's hard not being believed. It's even worse when the person who doesn't believe you is you.
Right now, I don't know what is going on with me. I am hurt and upset. And the fact that I cannot triangulate the origins of these feelings; And that everything not only looks and feels - but even in all efforts towards objectivity - in my head IS dire makes me all the more depressed.
Everytime I feel this way, all I can do is hope and pray that I can get through it. (Which usually serves no purpose as both these words imply some sort of faith or belief which by now is almost completely void.) I can't ever speak to anyone about it since noone understands - or even wants to understand. It's just another spoilt little girl acting the victim. No one gets the fact that my life IS a bad LSD trip sometimes, and that there is nothing I can do about it.
No one ever chooses mental illness. Trust me, if we could be 100% sure of our every thought and decision, we would have tapped out of these claustrophobic conditions ions ago. It has come to the point when I hate my brain. And I hate myself for being defective.
Having an intangible nemesis is much like being a ghost buster with no equipment. It is frustrating, having a barely-exsistent worst enimy. It's debilitating being your own...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
If being me is bad, I never wanna be good.
They say never say never, but of this I am certain. Always controversial; swimming against the tide. Always fighting to be me. Always alive.
I've never been a really popular person. Wasn't ever really like. Because I tried to be. I started learning to be still. Tho feel the essence of me. It started a really long time ago - I just didn't realise it:
I've always been brutally honest. Brave. Daring. These qualities have always gotten be in trouble.
Like in grade 1 when I was answering back at Ms. Jeanot beacuse, in my exact 5year old little words she
"Was not a good teacher, because the teachers at my previous school used to [hear me out/] listen to what I have to say, whether I'm right or wrong."
Mrs Jeanot called my mother in and my mother confirmed that I wasn't wrong.
Now, for me, things have always been that way. It just got a bit sticky when I started going against the "injustices" that I felt I was suffereing at the hands of my mother. See, we've never reall had a great relationship. A part of this is what lead me to try being me. My rationale became
"If I can never be right, even in the eyes of my parents, *Eff* being, right - I'd rather be me".
So I tried that and thus far, its working for me.
I must admit, it's not the easiest of life's routes (going against everything that everyone else believes has the tendency of creating alot of friction between one and one's society), but it most definately is the most fulfilling. I can actually live with myself (and the many voices) because I love who I am. I just AM
Unfortunately, what people refuse to understand (and I don't blame them - it is natural to fear the unknown) is that I am not rebelling against anything as much as I am working to something. I am an immensely spiritual person and I believe that without Love one cannot find Happiness. And without Happiness, one cannot find God [The Divine]. I just happen to have different views on the same things. Some of my opinions correspnd with the "Mainstream" but all of them - even those that are unpopular - arise from a "Truth from Within".
Truth is Love is Happiness is God.
Love what you do, and do what you love...
XXX
The Black Sheep
I've never been a really popular person. Wasn't ever really like. Because I tried to be. I started learning to be still. Tho feel the essence of me. It started a really long time ago - I just didn't realise it:
I've always been brutally honest. Brave. Daring. These qualities have always gotten be in trouble.
Like in grade 1 when I was answering back at Ms. Jeanot beacuse, in my exact 5year old little words she
"Was not a good teacher, because the teachers at my previous school used to [hear me out/] listen to what I have to say, whether I'm right or wrong."
Mrs Jeanot called my mother in and my mother confirmed that I wasn't wrong.
Now, for me, things have always been that way. It just got a bit sticky when I started going against the "injustices" that I felt I was suffereing at the hands of my mother. See, we've never reall had a great relationship. A part of this is what lead me to try being me. My rationale became
"If I can never be right, even in the eyes of my parents, *Eff* being, right - I'd rather be me".
So I tried that and thus far, its working for me.
I must admit, it's not the easiest of life's routes (going against everything that everyone else believes has the tendency of creating alot of friction between one and one's society), but it most definately is the most fulfilling. I can actually live with myself (and the many voices) because I love who I am. I just AM
Unfortunately, what people refuse to understand (and I don't blame them - it is natural to fear the unknown) is that I am not rebelling against anything as much as I am working to something. I am an immensely spiritual person and I believe that without Love one cannot find Happiness. And without Happiness, one cannot find God [The Divine]. I just happen to have different views on the same things. Some of my opinions correspnd with the "Mainstream" but all of them - even those that are unpopular - arise from a "Truth from Within".
Truth is Love is Happiness is God.
Love what you do, and do what you love...
XXX
The Black Sheep
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