So.....
After a great night's rest, no sex in over 36 hours and... I'm feeling AMAZING!!! I don't know if it's because of the meditation or the church service or the fact that I've BEEN eating or if it's just that I'm really just happy.
See, I generally have learned to look at my random days of happiness with a great deal of circumspection, but today, I'm so happy, I don't even care if it's caused by a tip over to the manic side. I'm gonna make the best of today.
This is a blessing... It literally feels as though the Divine is smiling a sunshine of a smile on my soul. It's amazing. It's a little glimpse of AGAPE and instead of questioning it - just for today - I'm simply going to thank The Lord for it and ride this wave like Ciara does the floor...
I'm not sure if i'm going to pursue anything that might enhance or detract for my mood. I'm not sure if it's going to last. I'm not even sure of the reasons for my mood. But one thing I am sure of is that I ain't complaining and IF IT AIN'T BROKE, DON'T FIX IT...
THANKS AND PRAISES to The Divine.
May He smile his smile upon your spirit and your life...
XXX
The [Happy] Black Sheep
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Cement and vinegar. Idealisation and Devaluation. The story of my life.
Did you know that vinegar dissolves/ erodes cement?
I found that out while I was an alter server - *PAUSE* no homo - at St Peter Claver: the old Catholic Church I grew up in, back in my hometown of Soweto, South Africa. There were renovations and an extension of the building underway and the door of the sacristy needed to be removed in order to create more space within the church... I didn't even realise it until my younger sister (generally the brighter of us two) pointed it out to me. I think I'll never forget that day.
Who would've thought that something as bitter and relatively useless as vinegar could in theory send an entire brick and mortar stucture tumbling? It was quite an epiphany for me.
My brother, the one about whom I wrote in my previous post, titled Homesick: Bad dreams, hot tears and cold sweats, a few day ago sent me a message that has melted my heart and flooded both my eyes with tears and my heart with emotion. I feel like that old Catholic Church and I can't be sure whether my brother, Hilario is the vinegar or the ebb and flow of my illness is.
Some of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are black and white thinking, splitting and (most relevantly to this post in particular,) a frequent manifestation in idealization and devaluation episodes. Wikepedia defines this last concept as follows:
When an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are
mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation.
The defense that helps in this process is called splitting. Splitting is the tendency
to view events or people as either all bad or all good.[1] When viewing people as
all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism idealization: a
mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities
to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs
devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.
My brother expressed a great deal of concern and love for me. Feeling that, although I knew were present, I had stop being able to recognise from him. Well, at least, not at all in a meaningful and positively affective way at all. I felt a weird rush of emotion. It's weird because I have become very distant and detached from feeling and emotion in general. This feeling that I felt was familiar. Nostalgic. For the period of that rush of emotion, I felt like I had my big brother back again.
In his view, he probably never left at all. In mine, the emptiness he left behind was almost tangible. I feel neglected and abandoned for the most part. By most people. That's another perk of the illness. My perception of reality is never really real. That's scary in a very numbing "learn to live with it" kind of way. Everything I think and feel is like looking at one's image through rippling water. Its never clear. Never precise.
I have gone through a period when I have hated most people in my life. I can't think of someone who actually matters in my life, whom I haven't hated profusely at some point in time. My interpersonal relationships are and have always been pretty shitty. And that's a euphamism...
I don't know how to deal with this or what the appropriate course of action in this whole rippling lake is, but I do know that my mental erection of cement has been dissolved away. Right not, I love and miss my big brother. I don't know how long that will last, but right now, he might as well get a cape and super powers because he is my hero!
Confused much? The story of my life...
XXX
The Black Sheep.
I found that out while I was an alter server - *PAUSE* no homo - at St Peter Claver: the old Catholic Church I grew up in, back in my hometown of Soweto, South Africa. There were renovations and an extension of the building underway and the door of the sacristy needed to be removed in order to create more space within the church... I didn't even realise it until my younger sister (generally the brighter of us two) pointed it out to me. I think I'll never forget that day.
Who would've thought that something as bitter and relatively useless as vinegar could in theory send an entire brick and mortar stucture tumbling? It was quite an epiphany for me.
My brother, the one about whom I wrote in my previous post, titled Homesick: Bad dreams, hot tears and cold sweats, a few day ago sent me a message that has melted my heart and flooded both my eyes with tears and my heart with emotion. I feel like that old Catholic Church and I can't be sure whether my brother, Hilario is the vinegar or the ebb and flow of my illness is.
Some of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are black and white thinking, splitting and (most relevantly to this post in particular,) a frequent manifestation in idealization and devaluation episodes. Wikepedia defines this last concept as follows:
When an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are
mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation.
The defense that helps in this process is called splitting. Splitting is the tendency
to view events or people as either all bad or all good.[1] When viewing people as
all good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism idealization: a
mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities
to the self or others. When viewing people as all bad, the individual employs
devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others.
My brother expressed a great deal of concern and love for me. Feeling that, although I knew were present, I had stop being able to recognise from him. Well, at least, not at all in a meaningful and positively affective way at all. I felt a weird rush of emotion. It's weird because I have become very distant and detached from feeling and emotion in general. This feeling that I felt was familiar. Nostalgic. For the period of that rush of emotion, I felt like I had my big brother back again.
In his view, he probably never left at all. In mine, the emptiness he left behind was almost tangible. I feel neglected and abandoned for the most part. By most people. That's another perk of the illness. My perception of reality is never really real. That's scary in a very numbing "learn to live with it" kind of way. Everything I think and feel is like looking at one's image through rippling water. Its never clear. Never precise.
I have gone through a period when I have hated most people in my life. I can't think of someone who actually matters in my life, whom I haven't hated profusely at some point in time. My interpersonal relationships are and have always been pretty shitty. And that's a euphamism...
I don't know how to deal with this or what the appropriate course of action in this whole rippling lake is, but I do know that my mental erection of cement has been dissolved away. Right not, I love and miss my big brother. I don't know how long that will last, but right now, he might as well get a cape and super powers because he is my hero!
Confused much? The story of my life...
XXX
The Black Sheep.
The Battlefield that is Life... How war is won.
Okay so, in my head, Life has always been one big game.
It's like chess, but the kind of chess that I'm really good at. I really suck balls at chess. Well, anyway, Life is like a hugh chess game where everyone is the king and the queen. The method is to use the resources around you in order to maintain and improve your status.
Now, due to the fact that chess (and hence Life, by extension) is a peaceful war, things may tend to get a bit brutal.
There is bound to be a whole lot of manipulation. That's what happens. You are working towards a goal and everything in between is either an aid or hinderence. That is how you must view everything and everyone. Yet all the while you must be a wolf in sheep's skin. You cannot all out be the aggressor in a peaceful war. Otherwise - You lose.
Egos will always feature in a war. Complete annihilation of the opponent highlights your competencies. It polishes your ego while crushing theirs. And so it should be in war. In order not to be engaged with by others, one must accomplish admiration from potential opponents. To achieve vast admiration one must be feared by most. You cannot merely defeat the opposition in such a case. You must disseminated him. Utterly.
The best way in which to win a war is through deception, surprise and strealth. Without these, you are only as smart as your dumbest opponent.
I can't really tell you when or how I discovered this. That it's all one big game. I must have been young because manipulation has been in my way of life since I can remember. The tantrums, the sulking, the self hurt and the destruction. As in all war, one must make sacrifices and the "scorched land" philosophy isn't above me. That's the thing, in a war. Morals and principles all fade to grey. What matters is the amount of blood shed - Just to prove your point.
"That I am infinately and supremely superior to anything you will ever fathom. I am God!"
Now, while this is a very self involved, pompus way to put it, this and this alone is the reason for all human conflict. The fact that one must prove to another that he is right. He is superior. He is God!
Please don't think of this as blasphlemous. In all of us, there is God; But the fact that we can feel it and sense it sometimes makes us, as humans, very self righteous. Usually with the effect of undermining others. To the point of alienation.
Chess is not a team sport. It is a lone, and lonely sport. As is war. When all is said and done, you must have proven your superiority. And what does it all matter amidst the gloom and destruction? What worth is a king if his kingdom is a bloodied and death-filled war field? And how does a king rule over corpses? It was all for nothing.
How then do we surpass this basic human flaw?
Simple.
Realise that in your Godliness, you are not alone. Respect for your fellow man equals eternal praise to God and to Self. After all, we are all one in The Divine... The only way to win the war is to lose it. Pride has no place in a higher, less humanistic realm. All that is human locks us into this realm and prevents any form of spiritual and basic growth. While war causes the human to win, the soul is busy being killed. Surrender is our only chance at soulful victory. Or even survival. When you fight, you end up fighting your brother. Your God. Yourself.
Makes no sense, right?
This is my truth.
It is the word.
It is the unspoken.
It is...
Blessing from The Divine,
May their patience and peace always follow you.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Heaven, hell and The Souls in between.
So... While I've decided that I should never say no to myself and that I am my own type of hedonist, I also know that everything is Sacred and therefore taking part in pleasure is in itself its own form of sacrifice and dedication. See, according to the "Righteous" way of life, I am doomed to hell because I don't "starve the body in this life, to save the soul in the next". And I know that. But, it's rather difficult to repent when there is no transgression committed. And I do find the idea rather complex: To fear the doom and damnation of hell when I do not believe it exists.
The soul will always find its way to The Divine...
Whether it takes reincarnation, ghostly hauntings, seances or voudou, the soul will always find Its Creator. The Divine is like a ball of prestik and we're all tiny little bits stuck to different places and dispersed through different viewpoints and experiences in life. Essentially, we're all from this giant stickyball and eventually our soul will find a way to return to It. It's just how life is.
Hell, like life, is also a phase. It isn't an eventuality where your soul burns for the rest of eternity. The Divine after all, loaned us all a little piece of soul for our journey. Why then, would The Divine banish parts of The Divine's Self to burn in a lake of fire and brimstone, with an insurpassable, unchartered realm between souls and The Divine Self through which not even Angels can tread?
It wouldn't make sense for a bank to lend out loans which it never plans to reclaim or have repaid. Just the same: For The Creator (God, Krishna, Allah, Yahweh or Whomever you believe in) to give away parts of "Himself" which He merely planned on destroying all for the effect of being able to say "I told you so..." is absurd!
No, that is a human temperament. And it is blasphemy to insinuate that The Divine could ever be as petty as to resort to "cutting of one's nose to spite one's face". If humans, in all our couple of hundred thousand years of existence, have learned to circumnavigate that purility, how arrogant is it to assume that "He" who created us and created the concept of love and forgiveness simple couldn't?
Now, the whole hell vs Heaven concept raises the question: If there is no hell, why should I be good? Why not just resign my life to candid evil and blind self gratification? Because Hell has always been and will always be a state of being... Until you learn to do it right, you will keep falling. Until you find inner tranquility, you will keep living whirlwinds. And until you uplift the inner good (Heaven) you will dwell in the perpetual evil - which, friend, is your own personal hell.
See, the debate that people are neutral and can choose whether to be good or evil is essentially flawed by the fact that normal humans are plagued by a conscious. There is, however, no innate device that highlights one's lack of evil or a surplus of good which urges you to replenish that so-called equilibrium or neutrality. Humans are innately good.
Granted there are those psychopaths who are allegedly without a conscience, but (firstly,) most of those cases involve childhood trauma and some sort of detatchment, and (secondly) that is the exception to the rule. It's like trying to dissuade someone that a human requires a heart to live on the odd chance that one in several humans survive on a pacemaker.
Friends, the choices you make in life will determine the outcomes of your afterlife from this, but there is always hope. When you've hit the lowest of the low, the ability to recognise The Divine in yourself is your saving grace. It is what stops hell from being eternal. It is what brings us back on track to Enlightenment.
Blessings and love from the Divine.
May you find yourself closer to Heaven.
The soul will always find its way to The Divine...
Whether it takes reincarnation, ghostly hauntings, seances or voudou, the soul will always find Its Creator. The Divine is like a ball of prestik and we're all tiny little bits stuck to different places and dispersed through different viewpoints and experiences in life. Essentially, we're all from this giant stickyball and eventually our soul will find a way to return to It. It's just how life is.
Hell, like life, is also a phase. It isn't an eventuality where your soul burns for the rest of eternity. The Divine after all, loaned us all a little piece of soul for our journey. Why then, would The Divine banish parts of The Divine's Self to burn in a lake of fire and brimstone, with an insurpassable, unchartered realm between souls and The Divine Self through which not even Angels can tread?
It wouldn't make sense for a bank to lend out loans which it never plans to reclaim or have repaid. Just the same: For The Creator (God, Krishna, Allah, Yahweh or Whomever you believe in) to give away parts of "Himself" which He merely planned on destroying all for the effect of being able to say "I told you so..." is absurd!
No, that is a human temperament. And it is blasphemy to insinuate that The Divine could ever be as petty as to resort to "cutting of one's nose to spite one's face". If humans, in all our couple of hundred thousand years of existence, have learned to circumnavigate that purility, how arrogant is it to assume that "He" who created us and created the concept of love and forgiveness simple couldn't?
Now, the whole hell vs Heaven concept raises the question: If there is no hell, why should I be good? Why not just resign my life to candid evil and blind self gratification? Because Hell has always been and will always be a state of being... Until you learn to do it right, you will keep falling. Until you find inner tranquility, you will keep living whirlwinds. And until you uplift the inner good (Heaven) you will dwell in the perpetual evil - which, friend, is your own personal hell.
See, the debate that people are neutral and can choose whether to be good or evil is essentially flawed by the fact that normal humans are plagued by a conscious. There is, however, no innate device that highlights one's lack of evil or a surplus of good which urges you to replenish that so-called equilibrium or neutrality. Humans are innately good.
Granted there are those psychopaths who are allegedly without a conscience, but (firstly,) most of those cases involve childhood trauma and some sort of detatchment, and (secondly) that is the exception to the rule. It's like trying to dissuade someone that a human requires a heart to live on the odd chance that one in several humans survive on a pacemaker.
Friends, the choices you make in life will determine the outcomes of your afterlife from this, but there is always hope. When you've hit the lowest of the low, the ability to recognise The Divine in yourself is your saving grace. It is what stops hell from being eternal. It is what brings us back on track to Enlightenment.
Blessings and love from the Divine.
May you find yourself closer to Heaven.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Homesick: Bad dreams, hot tears and cold sweats.
So, I've been having these hectic dreams lately... Because of my medication (the anti-depressants and sedatives) I sometimes (more often than not) have very vivid dreams. They seldom ever really amount to anything or even affect me because as long as I'm happy, the dreams either are irrelevant or I can't remember. Of late, I've been getting rather rattled by my dreams...
I think I'm getting a bit home sick, though. I keep dreaming about my family and our relationships. That's weird. I've never really been home sick in my life.
(Save for that one time that I had a seemingly - at the time - deathly bout of flu that rendered me unable to sleep for lack of breathe. It was a horror. All I could do was cry and even that made everything worse because have you ever tried crying with a blocked nose? Well, I ended up missing home due to the fact that my mother is a qualified nurse and always seemed to make me feel better. That and the fact that she would usually force me to stay in bed and watch tv to delicious food. At that time I was living with my younger sister, whose idea of a good meal was - without any exclusion: Oreos, marshmallows, a slab of chocolate, 2l of cola and a huge packet of cheese puffs. Now, I don't judge - and when in perfect health, this doesn't seem like a bad idea - but when you feel like you're on death's door, some chicken soup is very soothing.)
This home sickness is weird. It's like a yearning for my family. Not so much what I would get out of being with them as much as a yearning for each family member's personality. Their whims and all the things that bug me about them. The gay way in which they make sincere, yet non-mushy compliments like, "You're actually very pretty when you smile" or "Your body makes me jealous coz you eat everything and you still have that shape."
Last night, I dreamt that there was a fashion show of sorts, hosted by myself and my two sisters. Now, although I had a collection, like both my sisters, I also decided to be my own model. This is where the missing of my family came in. The way my older sister stayed up all night to help me fix my hair. And my younger sister took over everything else while I was out of commission doing my hair. The way my parents hurried into an almost panic (the way they always do when we're about to be late) yelling at everyone in that "tough-love" kinda way.
Weirdly enough, my brother didn't really feature. At all.
The only thing that I can think of that could even remotely explain this is that in my borderline-ness, due to the splitting and the idealization and devaluation, I have kinda removed him from "my family" because in my mind he removed himself. See, my brother has always been the logical thinker. The kind of person who isolates the problem. In my illness, he has always been of the opinion that I choose to let it affect me the way it does. While everyone else has tried to be understanding to the way in which the illness manifests itself, he has always made it out to be something that I give power over me. Now, while that may make sense in his head, because of the way he thinks and reasons, in my head it is as if he is blaming me.
I love the memories of my brother. He was the best older brother on Earth! But the way in which he constantly enforces his ways of thought onto everyone else (and I can't stand dogmas and the dogmatic) especially me has just in my mind cut ties between us almost completely. I can't see us ever being the friends that we used to be. He is and will always be more of that relentless gym instructor who doesn't care that you just came out of recovery... I still love him, but his role in my life has become more like a job than a relationship.
These dreams have forced me to think about this stuff. I wake up in cold sweats and tears. I miss my family. I miss my home, but nothing will ever be the same.
I have to build a new life for myself.
Wish me luck.
I think I'm getting a bit home sick, though. I keep dreaming about my family and our relationships. That's weird. I've never really been home sick in my life.
(Save for that one time that I had a seemingly - at the time - deathly bout of flu that rendered me unable to sleep for lack of breathe. It was a horror. All I could do was cry and even that made everything worse because have you ever tried crying with a blocked nose? Well, I ended up missing home due to the fact that my mother is a qualified nurse and always seemed to make me feel better. That and the fact that she would usually force me to stay in bed and watch tv to delicious food. At that time I was living with my younger sister, whose idea of a good meal was - without any exclusion: Oreos, marshmallows, a slab of chocolate, 2l of cola and a huge packet of cheese puffs. Now, I don't judge - and when in perfect health, this doesn't seem like a bad idea - but when you feel like you're on death's door, some chicken soup is very soothing.)
This home sickness is weird. It's like a yearning for my family. Not so much what I would get out of being with them as much as a yearning for each family member's personality. Their whims and all the things that bug me about them. The gay way in which they make sincere, yet non-mushy compliments like, "You're actually very pretty when you smile" or "Your body makes me jealous coz you eat everything and you still have that shape."
Last night, I dreamt that there was a fashion show of sorts, hosted by myself and my two sisters. Now, although I had a collection, like both my sisters, I also decided to be my own model. This is where the missing of my family came in. The way my older sister stayed up all night to help me fix my hair. And my younger sister took over everything else while I was out of commission doing my hair. The way my parents hurried into an almost panic (the way they always do when we're about to be late) yelling at everyone in that "tough-love" kinda way.
Weirdly enough, my brother didn't really feature. At all.
The only thing that I can think of that could even remotely explain this is that in my borderline-ness, due to the splitting and the idealization and devaluation, I have kinda removed him from "my family" because in my mind he removed himself. See, my brother has always been the logical thinker. The kind of person who isolates the problem. In my illness, he has always been of the opinion that I choose to let it affect me the way it does. While everyone else has tried to be understanding to the way in which the illness manifests itself, he has always made it out to be something that I give power over me. Now, while that may make sense in his head, because of the way he thinks and reasons, in my head it is as if he is blaming me.
I love the memories of my brother. He was the best older brother on Earth! But the way in which he constantly enforces his ways of thought onto everyone else (and I can't stand dogmas and the dogmatic) especially me has just in my mind cut ties between us almost completely. I can't see us ever being the friends that we used to be. He is and will always be more of that relentless gym instructor who doesn't care that you just came out of recovery... I still love him, but his role in my life has become more like a job than a relationship.
These dreams have forced me to think about this stuff. I wake up in cold sweats and tears. I miss my family. I miss my home, but nothing will ever be the same.
I have to build a new life for myself.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Self doubt
I like to put on the facade of this strong, powerful and determined person who has everything going for her and has nothing to lose. Its fun. It's liberating. Having people accept that they can't fuck with you before they even try is the best thing on Earth!
And for the most part, this is true.
But, sometimes reality, life and disappointment get in the way. Then what the hell am I to do? Let me explain: It's all dandy to rate that you're invinceable and to even play the part. That is, until you get conquored... Then it just feels like it was all a lie. A waste of time.
But was it really?
Although I do feel dragged down by the everyday and unpredictable occurances in life, I must realise that I am and will always be who I want to be - Who I let myself be. And if a few thorns are stuck into my side, it is my choice whether to leave them there to fester, while I limp around wounded for life or to pull them out - knowing that that might hurt even more - and continue to live my life; healed and stronger than I used to be.
It is natural to think of one's own limitations. But if you never try, then you are your only limitation. And if you can live with that, I guess you deserve to be limited by yourself. Self doubt is normal. It is the barrier between over-confidence and reality. But it should always be in perspective and always be a reflection of the truth.
I feel silly admitting to this, but, I stopped blogging a while ago because of belittlement on the part of someone who either wished to break me or was honestly amused by the insignificant action of me blogging. In the case of the former, it did work for a while. She managed to break my drive and ambition. But the persistence of soul will endure. In the case of the latter, allegedly small things amuse small minds - but then again, I'm not one to judge. She could've mocked my blogs for any number of reasons - malicious or not. And due to the fact that I do not know, I bear no ill-feelings towards her. After all, that would be like allowing the thorn in my side to heal over with an infected cyst within.
All I am saying is that, believe who you want to be. There will be many people who will try to dissuade you from your own greatness. You know yourself better than they do. If you doubt your capabilities, doubt them on true (de)merit, not on the fallacies created by those around you.
Basically, if you do have self doubt, may it always come truly from self. Noone is worth you feeling shitty over.
That's all.
And for the most part, this is true.
But, sometimes reality, life and disappointment get in the way. Then what the hell am I to do? Let me explain: It's all dandy to rate that you're invinceable and to even play the part. That is, until you get conquored... Then it just feels like it was all a lie. A waste of time.
But was it really?
Although I do feel dragged down by the everyday and unpredictable occurances in life, I must realise that I am and will always be who I want to be - Who I let myself be. And if a few thorns are stuck into my side, it is my choice whether to leave them there to fester, while I limp around wounded for life or to pull them out - knowing that that might hurt even more - and continue to live my life; healed and stronger than I used to be.
It is natural to think of one's own limitations. But if you never try, then you are your only limitation. And if you can live with that, I guess you deserve to be limited by yourself. Self doubt is normal. It is the barrier between over-confidence and reality. But it should always be in perspective and always be a reflection of the truth.
I feel silly admitting to this, but, I stopped blogging a while ago because of belittlement on the part of someone who either wished to break me or was honestly amused by the insignificant action of me blogging. In the case of the former, it did work for a while. She managed to break my drive and ambition. But the persistence of soul will endure. In the case of the latter, allegedly small things amuse small minds - but then again, I'm not one to judge. She could've mocked my blogs for any number of reasons - malicious or not. And due to the fact that I do not know, I bear no ill-feelings towards her. After all, that would be like allowing the thorn in my side to heal over with an infected cyst within.
All I am saying is that, believe who you want to be. There will be many people who will try to dissuade you from your own greatness. You know yourself better than they do. If you doubt your capabilities, doubt them on true (de)merit, not on the fallacies created by those around you.
Basically, if you do have self doubt, may it always come truly from self. Noone is worth you feeling shitty over.
That's all.
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Last Word
Sometimes humans are petty. And we can't help it. We just are. Unles we have the last word, we feel that we have been defeated. We feel that in order to remain "in the right" we have to justify ourselves until the other party/ies succumb to our superior knowledge and by extention, our superiority in general...
I've found that this - and this alone - is the cause of all conflict. The need to be right and to ba acknowledged as right is the only reason people ever engage in conflict. The Palestinians NEED to prove to the Isrealis that they are the one true religion of that area (and by extension of the world) and vice versa. Capitalism and Democracy is still fighting for the general populus to acknowledge that they as institutions (and by extension, as brains) are more correct than Communism and Socialism. The Catholics and Protestants and Jews and Muslims...
Why? What will being right achieve?
Now... What would happen if we all became happy in our own knowledge of being right? What if humans could accept that other humans could be just as right as we are? Could we ever be able to maturely agree to disagree? If I know that I am right, why do I need another human - who also has, and is entitled to their own viewpoints - to agree with me?
This isn't a vote or a popularity contest.
The thing with having beliefs is that they are yours and noone can take them away from you. If the entire world disagrees with you, that, happens to be the entire worlds problem. You need to beieve in your convictions and then, you need to understand that by virtue of you having opinions, you will disagree with those of others. That is a simple fact. But that should never be cause for conflict.
I have the right to think. The right to be. Why on Earth would whatever "power-that-be" make me more correct than any other person, without facilitating any means of this being proven, without conflict?
This is stupid. People need to put their big-person pants on and learn to live and let live. You cant be bitter because I don't think you're right. And if you don't think I'm right - well, that's okay too.
"Do not argue with a fool. People will never know the difference." - African Proverb
I REALLY don't need to have the last word...
Peace and Love
The Black Sheep
I've found that this - and this alone - is the cause of all conflict. The need to be right and to ba acknowledged as right is the only reason people ever engage in conflict. The Palestinians NEED to prove to the Isrealis that they are the one true religion of that area (and by extension of the world) and vice versa. Capitalism and Democracy is still fighting for the general populus to acknowledge that they as institutions (and by extension, as brains) are more correct than Communism and Socialism. The Catholics and Protestants and Jews and Muslims...
Why? What will being right achieve?
Now... What would happen if we all became happy in our own knowledge of being right? What if humans could accept that other humans could be just as right as we are? Could we ever be able to maturely agree to disagree? If I know that I am right, why do I need another human - who also has, and is entitled to their own viewpoints - to agree with me?
This isn't a vote or a popularity contest.
The thing with having beliefs is that they are yours and noone can take them away from you. If the entire world disagrees with you, that, happens to be the entire worlds problem. You need to beieve in your convictions and then, you need to understand that by virtue of you having opinions, you will disagree with those of others. That is a simple fact. But that should never be cause for conflict.
I have the right to think. The right to be. Why on Earth would whatever "power-that-be" make me more correct than any other person, without facilitating any means of this being proven, without conflict?
This is stupid. People need to put their big-person pants on and learn to live and let live. You cant be bitter because I don't think you're right. And if you don't think I'm right - well, that's okay too.
"Do not argue with a fool. People will never know the difference." - African Proverb
I REALLY don't need to have the last word...
Peace and Love
The Black Sheep
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Losing my mind to the Ghosts in my head.
Imagine hearing different sides of you speaking to you. Sides that you know and recognise. Sides that, by their very existence negate all other sides, but all still exists. It's like I have ghosts - IN MY HEAD! These, they call "The Voices".
Due to the fact that I suffer from both a mood (bi-polar) as well as a personality (borderline) disorder, it's really hard to tell when I'm alright and when I'm just losing it. Have you ever had to second guess your sanity. On a serious level? Most days, I'm faced with the task of discerning between real emotion and the symptoms of mental illness.
While it's great to play the triumphant hero who is never a victim - the "I have evrything under control" supergirl - somethimes it is literally heart breaking to have to ask myself: "Ntsaki, are you sure? Is this really you?" I don't know who I am some of the time and I have to question that all the time. How do I really know?
Mental illness is unlike any other kind of illness because your body never really lets you know that you are ill. I feel normal for the most part - That is until someone else highlights your brain's discrepencies... That or the fact that you find yourself in that "It'd never happen to me"/ "How did I become like this" situation. It crushes me every single time I have to step away from the current situation in order to debate with myself whether I am "coping" or not. If there were anything that could create a weakness, this would be it.
It's hard not being believed. It's even worse when the person who doesn't believe you is you.
Right now, I don't know what is going on with me. I am hurt and upset. And the fact that I cannot triangulate the origins of these feelings; And that everything not only looks and feels - but even in all efforts towards objectivity - in my head IS dire makes me all the more depressed.
Everytime I feel this way, all I can do is hope and pray that I can get through it. (Which usually serves no purpose as both these words imply some sort of faith or belief which by now is almost completely void.) I can't ever speak to anyone about it since noone understands - or even wants to understand. It's just another spoilt little girl acting the victim. No one gets the fact that my life IS a bad LSD trip sometimes, and that there is nothing I can do about it.
No one ever chooses mental illness. Trust me, if we could be 100% sure of our every thought and decision, we would have tapped out of these claustrophobic conditions ions ago. It has come to the point when I hate my brain. And I hate myself for being defective.
Having an intangible nemesis is much like being a ghost buster with no equipment. It is frustrating, having a barely-exsistent worst enimy. It's debilitating being your own...
Due to the fact that I suffer from both a mood (bi-polar) as well as a personality (borderline) disorder, it's really hard to tell when I'm alright and when I'm just losing it. Have you ever had to second guess your sanity. On a serious level? Most days, I'm faced with the task of discerning between real emotion and the symptoms of mental illness.
While it's great to play the triumphant hero who is never a victim - the "I have evrything under control" supergirl - somethimes it is literally heart breaking to have to ask myself: "Ntsaki, are you sure? Is this really you?" I don't know who I am some of the time and I have to question that all the time. How do I really know?
Mental illness is unlike any other kind of illness because your body never really lets you know that you are ill. I feel normal for the most part - That is until someone else highlights your brain's discrepencies... That or the fact that you find yourself in that "It'd never happen to me"/ "How did I become like this" situation. It crushes me every single time I have to step away from the current situation in order to debate with myself whether I am "coping" or not. If there were anything that could create a weakness, this would be it.
It's hard not being believed. It's even worse when the person who doesn't believe you is you.
Right now, I don't know what is going on with me. I am hurt and upset. And the fact that I cannot triangulate the origins of these feelings; And that everything not only looks and feels - but even in all efforts towards objectivity - in my head IS dire makes me all the more depressed.
Everytime I feel this way, all I can do is hope and pray that I can get through it. (Which usually serves no purpose as both these words imply some sort of faith or belief which by now is almost completely void.) I can't ever speak to anyone about it since noone understands - or even wants to understand. It's just another spoilt little girl acting the victim. No one gets the fact that my life IS a bad LSD trip sometimes, and that there is nothing I can do about it.
No one ever chooses mental illness. Trust me, if we could be 100% sure of our every thought and decision, we would have tapped out of these claustrophobic conditions ions ago. It has come to the point when I hate my brain. And I hate myself for being defective.
Having an intangible nemesis is much like being a ghost buster with no equipment. It is frustrating, having a barely-exsistent worst enimy. It's debilitating being your own...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
If being me is bad, I never wanna be good.
They say never say never, but of this I am certain. Always controversial; swimming against the tide. Always fighting to be me. Always alive.
I've never been a really popular person. Wasn't ever really like. Because I tried to be. I started learning to be still. Tho feel the essence of me. It started a really long time ago - I just didn't realise it:
I've always been brutally honest. Brave. Daring. These qualities have always gotten be in trouble.
Like in grade 1 when I was answering back at Ms. Jeanot beacuse, in my exact 5year old little words she
"Was not a good teacher, because the teachers at my previous school used to [hear me out/] listen to what I have to say, whether I'm right or wrong."
Mrs Jeanot called my mother in and my mother confirmed that I wasn't wrong.
Now, for me, things have always been that way. It just got a bit sticky when I started going against the "injustices" that I felt I was suffereing at the hands of my mother. See, we've never reall had a great relationship. A part of this is what lead me to try being me. My rationale became
"If I can never be right, even in the eyes of my parents, *Eff* being, right - I'd rather be me".
So I tried that and thus far, its working for me.
I must admit, it's not the easiest of life's routes (going against everything that everyone else believes has the tendency of creating alot of friction between one and one's society), but it most definately is the most fulfilling. I can actually live with myself (and the many voices) because I love who I am. I just AM
Unfortunately, what people refuse to understand (and I don't blame them - it is natural to fear the unknown) is that I am not rebelling against anything as much as I am working to something. I am an immensely spiritual person and I believe that without Love one cannot find Happiness. And without Happiness, one cannot find God [The Divine]. I just happen to have different views on the same things. Some of my opinions correspnd with the "Mainstream" but all of them - even those that are unpopular - arise from a "Truth from Within".
Truth is Love is Happiness is God.
Love what you do, and do what you love...
XXX
The Black Sheep
I've never been a really popular person. Wasn't ever really like. Because I tried to be. I started learning to be still. Tho feel the essence of me. It started a really long time ago - I just didn't realise it:
I've always been brutally honest. Brave. Daring. These qualities have always gotten be in trouble.
Like in grade 1 when I was answering back at Ms. Jeanot beacuse, in my exact 5year old little words she
"Was not a good teacher, because the teachers at my previous school used to [hear me out/] listen to what I have to say, whether I'm right or wrong."
Mrs Jeanot called my mother in and my mother confirmed that I wasn't wrong.
Now, for me, things have always been that way. It just got a bit sticky when I started going against the "injustices" that I felt I was suffereing at the hands of my mother. See, we've never reall had a great relationship. A part of this is what lead me to try being me. My rationale became
"If I can never be right, even in the eyes of my parents, *Eff* being, right - I'd rather be me".
So I tried that and thus far, its working for me.
I must admit, it's not the easiest of life's routes (going against everything that everyone else believes has the tendency of creating alot of friction between one and one's society), but it most definately is the most fulfilling. I can actually live with myself (and the many voices) because I love who I am. I just AM
Unfortunately, what people refuse to understand (and I don't blame them - it is natural to fear the unknown) is that I am not rebelling against anything as much as I am working to something. I am an immensely spiritual person and I believe that without Love one cannot find Happiness. And without Happiness, one cannot find God [The Divine]. I just happen to have different views on the same things. Some of my opinions correspnd with the "Mainstream" but all of them - even those that are unpopular - arise from a "Truth from Within".
Truth is Love is Happiness is God.
Love what you do, and do what you love...
XXX
The Black Sheep
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