I am very easily amused. It doesn't take alot to become friends with me - or at least to become a good acquaintance... I love to laugh and share. I am particularly partial to people with a plight or with a good heart/ good intentions. Especially at first meeting, I am a great person to get along with. And I generally keep my cool. It's really hard to get into an altercation with my unless it concerns something or someone that I sincerely care about...
But on the other hand, once I let you in. And you become what I consider as "trustworthy; a friend" I become so easily annoyed. Everything that you do that you (in my mind) "Should know not to from knowing me" is held against you. My logic being: "I would do the same for you..."
Whilst I believe that you cannot hold the innocent accountable - in that if someone doesn't know what irks you, then they obviously did not commit the transgression maliciously or even intentionally - I am also of the extreme opposite mindset once you do get to know me. I end up feeling that as my friend, close confidante, you know what irritates me and what would offend me. The fact that you insist on doing something that you know will make me unhappy just says you don't care.
I think that is the exact thought process (on my part) in altercations with those that "I love". I feel as though they don't care and when it comes to me, they feel nothing. So I end up being malicious and even spiteful towards them in both speech and action in order to force them to feel something concerning me.
I WILL MATTER TO YOU, DAMNIT!!!
I contintuously hurt those that I love. And it seems as though I'm just being a big brat bitch at the time, but for me, this is how it goes:
Wealth, possessions, status, social standing and the likes are all of no use. They do not aid you as a soul. You utilise them to get what you want here on Earth and that's it. Whereas relationships are love and comfort and the ability to grow.... Once you lose that - you have nothing. So the second I feel as though I am losing or have lost you as a close relation, I feel that I must make you understand what I am going through. I need you to understand what you mean to me. And so I show you how I'm feeling by making you feel that way.
I am the kind of person who is so compassionate that I take on everyone's pain. It makes little sense to cause others pain it I am only going to end up taking it on as well.
I know.
But this is the only way that I know how to effectively communicate how I'm feelining without seeming to play the victim... By turning you into the victim.
May the Divine grant us patience, love and understanding
That we may learn to overcome life's difficulties unified.
Blessings from The Divine
The Black Sheep
XXX
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Truth from Within
Some people call it a conscience or gut feeling. Other's find that it is communication from spirits or The Divine.
I find alot of the time, that when I least expect it, a truth that I already knew, creeps up on me. It's that familiar "I've been here before" feeling. De ja vu - if you must. Life has a funny way of reminding you what a splendidly intelligent creature you are. And maybe have been...?
If anyone believes in reincarnation, they may be able to understand what I am saying:
I believe that we as souls, are reborn into different bodies - over and over again. See the objective to life is - just as in any other progressive game - to reach and conquer the final stage. Our actions, intentions and thoughts are what determine how far we get in each life. If you've lived a good life, you get further. We DO however, have cheat codes!!! Whoop-dee, right?!!! But do you feel like you've won a game fair and square if you get to the ultimate level through the aquisition and implementation of cheats? Usually not? Well...
I'll explain how this works:
The Bible, The Gathas, The Torah, al-Qur’ān, the Kebra Nagast, The Bhagavad Gita and all other Sacred Text is like the cheat code to life. SomeOne in some other realm or dimension or galaxy or world saw fit to help us out. To guide us through this "virual game" called life. Whether or not you choose to use those cheat codes is up to you. But if you don't, and you lose you life(s), the game has to restart again until you make it to the next level. What that level might be, I dont know, but this life is about spiritual progression. In order to make the next level, your soul must have learned all the truths it needs to know and your body must've lived them out.
Sometimes, when you restart the game, you still remember some tricks and traps from the previous time(s) that you've played and that is what the truth from within is. It is a fact that dawns upon you and once you think about it, you realise that you already knew it. Not quite common sense, but it was something innately realised.
The best and most fundamental trick is to listen to our conscience. That is the closest link to our truths from within. That is what will guide us and keep us safe. Although it won't necessarily reveal to us directly what that truth is, it forms part of The Eternal Soul which remembers every route - every time.
Namaste,
And may your truth come from within.
From Love.
From The Divine.
The Black Sheep
I find alot of the time, that when I least expect it, a truth that I already knew, creeps up on me. It's that familiar "I've been here before" feeling. De ja vu - if you must. Life has a funny way of reminding you what a splendidly intelligent creature you are. And maybe have been...?
If anyone believes in reincarnation, they may be able to understand what I am saying:
I believe that we as souls, are reborn into different bodies - over and over again. See the objective to life is - just as in any other progressive game - to reach and conquer the final stage. Our actions, intentions and thoughts are what determine how far we get in each life. If you've lived a good life, you get further. We DO however, have cheat codes!!! Whoop-dee, right?!!! But do you feel like you've won a game fair and square if you get to the ultimate level through the aquisition and implementation of cheats? Usually not? Well...
I'll explain how this works:
The Bible, The Gathas, The Torah, al-Qur’ān, the Kebra Nagast, The Bhagavad Gita and all other Sacred Text is like the cheat code to life. SomeOne in some other realm or dimension or galaxy or world saw fit to help us out. To guide us through this "virual game" called life. Whether or not you choose to use those cheat codes is up to you. But if you don't, and you lose you life(s), the game has to restart again until you make it to the next level. What that level might be, I dont know, but this life is about spiritual progression. In order to make the next level, your soul must have learned all the truths it needs to know and your body must've lived them out.
Sometimes, when you restart the game, you still remember some tricks and traps from the previous time(s) that you've played and that is what the truth from within is. It is a fact that dawns upon you and once you think about it, you realise that you already knew it. Not quite common sense, but it was something innately realised.
The best and most fundamental trick is to listen to our conscience. That is the closest link to our truths from within. That is what will guide us and keep us safe. Although it won't necessarily reveal to us directly what that truth is, it forms part of The Eternal Soul which remembers every route - every time.
Namaste,
And may your truth come from within.
From Love.
From The Divine.
The Black Sheep
Monday, October 25, 2010
A glimpse into the Pen of the Black Sheep.
I can not assume to understand what anyone is going through. All I can do is sympathise with them and sincerely wish them all the best.
Imagine this:
Imagine never know what you're feeling. Having to take tests just to monitor your mood. Imagine constantly second guessing your every thought, feeling and decision. And for the most part, having to write hurts and pains down to you simply being oversensitive because of your condition. Imagine fighting your own conscious or sub-conscious or whatever the devil is causing all of this turmoil and confusion. Fighting THAT thing that you can't even identify for your own sanity. Imagine wanting to die, then being the greatest and most important person that ever lived - And then hating everything all over again. Most of all life. No; Rather, most of all yourself.
Imagine that you have made more than your fair share of mistakes. And that the realisation of all these mistakes happens in retrospect because at the time, you're perfectly justified. Imagine you can see and feel all of this, but that noone understands. And noone wants to.
Now imagine that the people closest to - those you trust and those who claim to be on your side you are unforgiving of the past. And that they demean your experiences because they don't know that inside you're being ripped to sheds with every breathe that you keep taking. And they see the pain and the suffering of everyone else: Those who are blind and deaf and crippled and old. Those without families and those without money. Forgetting to realise that an identifiable problem is a problem half fixed.
Imagine that everytime your soul bleeds, an uncontrolable surge of tears blind your eyes. And that no matter how hard you try to explain it to them, all they see is salt water and a mask. Because they can't see the chaos of the soul. Because they don't want to see the chaos of the soul.
Imagine each time your world falls apart and shatters into a billion splinters, you are told to MAN UP. STICK IT OUT. HOLD IT ALL TOGETHER. And imagine that you try to - and that all the tiny pieces cut and burn and sting your soul for having the audacity to try. And that because you want to please everyone so much, you still dare to try - dispite all previous experiences.
Now imagine that your soul is all cut up. And all burnt up. Fatigued. Exhausted. Drained from being battered and beaten and hurt both intentionally and carelessly. That you have tried to your utmost ability to sympathise with and care for and make everyone happy. And have only deteriorated because of it.
Imagine you have to rebuild this fragile soul - from nothing. With nothing. With noone....
I know you still may not understand what I am going through. All I ask is that you be patient with me and sincerely accept all the best I try to give...
Imagine this:
Imagine never know what you're feeling. Having to take tests just to monitor your mood. Imagine constantly second guessing your every thought, feeling and decision. And for the most part, having to write hurts and pains down to you simply being oversensitive because of your condition. Imagine fighting your own conscious or sub-conscious or whatever the devil is causing all of this turmoil and confusion. Fighting THAT thing that you can't even identify for your own sanity. Imagine wanting to die, then being the greatest and most important person that ever lived - And then hating everything all over again. Most of all life. No; Rather, most of all yourself.
Imagine that you have made more than your fair share of mistakes. And that the realisation of all these mistakes happens in retrospect because at the time, you're perfectly justified. Imagine you can see and feel all of this, but that noone understands. And noone wants to.
Now imagine that the people closest to - those you trust and those who claim to be on your side you are unforgiving of the past. And that they demean your experiences because they don't know that inside you're being ripped to sheds with every breathe that you keep taking. And they see the pain and the suffering of everyone else: Those who are blind and deaf and crippled and old. Those without families and those without money. Forgetting to realise that an identifiable problem is a problem half fixed.
Imagine that everytime your soul bleeds, an uncontrolable surge of tears blind your eyes. And that no matter how hard you try to explain it to them, all they see is salt water and a mask. Because they can't see the chaos of the soul. Because they don't want to see the chaos of the soul.
Imagine each time your world falls apart and shatters into a billion splinters, you are told to MAN UP. STICK IT OUT. HOLD IT ALL TOGETHER. And imagine that you try to - and that all the tiny pieces cut and burn and sting your soul for having the audacity to try. And that because you want to please everyone so much, you still dare to try - dispite all previous experiences.
Now imagine that your soul is all cut up. And all burnt up. Fatigued. Exhausted. Drained from being battered and beaten and hurt both intentionally and carelessly. That you have tried to your utmost ability to sympathise with and care for and make everyone happy. And have only deteriorated because of it.
Imagine you have to rebuild this fragile soul - from nothing. With nothing. With noone....
I know you still may not understand what I am going through. All I ask is that you be patient with me and sincerely accept all the best I try to give...
Friday, October 15, 2010
Interesting unpublished draft: Vedic Horoscopic Analysis of the Black Sheep:
Sometimes I wonder "Why me?". This might just be the greater plan...
Your Moon sign is Gemini.The zodiac sign in which the moon was located at the time of your birth is known as Moon sign. Vedic astrology places special emphasis on the Moon sign. As Moon represents one's own mind, a lot can be deduced from this sign. Mercury owns Gemini, Moon considers mercury his friend but mercury considers Moon as his enemy. Mercury represents intelligence and Moon represents one’s own mind, this position thus makes the native very clever, witty and creative. The native may become a very good orator and may have the ability to influence and persuade others. The native may rise to a position of power because of these abilities. The native will have quickness of thought and will be very bright. The native will be very religious in nature and will be loved by people for his good actions. In certain situations the native may see multiple options and will fail to take decisions because of uncertainty. The native will be very fond of music and poetry. The native will be known for his gentle nature and will gain a lot of respect from peers. The native may be very flirtatious and may not like to do household chores. They tend to avoid physical confrontation at all costs. The native is very likely to get lung problems, so should stay away from smoking.
Your Ascendant sign is Cancer.The sign rising on the eastern horizon at the time of your birth is known as Ascendant or Lagna sign. Asendant plays a special role in vedic astrology and determines the overall strength of the chart as well as placement of various signs in 12 houses. Those born in Cancer ascendant/rising sign have somewhat middle sized body and average height. They generally have fat neck, long arms, long face, wide chest and fair complexion. They are extremely sensitive, inquisitive, nervous and restless. They get a lot of opportunities for progress in their life. They are fond of traveling and water related activities. They are desirous of wealth, worldly things and possessions but like to spend less (to the extent that it can take the form of miserliness). They are generally not very successful in love affairs, but once married, they are deeply attached to their family and children. They generally have a reputation for love of justice and fair play. They like to get involved in social service and get a lot of respect because of that. They may be very talkative (with good oratory skills), self-reliant, honest and unbending in nature.
Your Birth Star is Ardra.The star constellation in which the moon was located at the time of your birth is known as your birth star. Vedic astrology places special emphasis on the birth star (aka Nakshatra). 
Position: 6-40 to 20-00' Gemini
General Characteristics: Emphasis on the mind or thinking capacity - deep feeling along with passionate thinking - motivated by desire.
Translation: The moist one
Symbol: The human head
Animal Symbol: Female Dog
Ruling Planet: Rahu
Nature: Manushya (human)
Presiding deity: Rudra the god of the storm and destruction
Favorable: Curious mind; hunger for knowledge; quick in action; good memory; prefers physical work or work involving the body; good at getting support from the government or authorities; great communicator; truthful; have a transformative point in life at which point they drop many of their bad traits; compassionate towards those in pain.
Unfavorable: Arrogant; abuses power; lusts after material attainments; ungrateful; mischievous; reckless; physically oriented jobs; anti-social; mean streak causes pain to others; self-serving; dishonest; stubborn; critical; impolite; untruthful; poor financial planning; excessive indulgences; cause pain or agony to others; violent; complaining.
Famous Ardra: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Farrah Fawcett, Babe Ruth, F.D. Roosevelt, Bo Derek, Humphrey Bogart, Kurt Cobain
Career Interests: Writers, teachers, hospice, social services, sales, pr, politics, humanitarian projects, athlete, butcher, drug dealer, chemotherapist, those who deal with dead things such as junk, canned, frozen food.
Health Issues: Nervous system disorder, skin sensitivity, allergies, mental disorder, lung problems.
General Characteristics: Emphasis on the mind or thinking capacity - deep feeling along with passionate thinking - motivated by desire.
Translation: The moist one
Symbol: The human head
Animal Symbol: Female Dog
Ruling Planet: Rahu
Nature: Manushya (human)
Presiding deity: Rudra the god of the storm and destruction
Favorable: Curious mind; hunger for knowledge; quick in action; good memory; prefers physical work or work involving the body; good at getting support from the government or authorities; great communicator; truthful; have a transformative point in life at which point they drop many of their bad traits; compassionate towards those in pain.
Unfavorable: Arrogant; abuses power; lusts after material attainments; ungrateful; mischievous; reckless; physically oriented jobs; anti-social; mean streak causes pain to others; self-serving; dishonest; stubborn; critical; impolite; untruthful; poor financial planning; excessive indulgences; cause pain or agony to others; violent; complaining.
Famous Ardra: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Farrah Fawcett, Babe Ruth, F.D. Roosevelt, Bo Derek, Humphrey Bogart, Kurt Cobain
Career Interests: Writers, teachers, hospice, social services, sales, pr, politics, humanitarian projects, athlete, butcher, drug dealer, chemotherapist, those who deal with dead things such as junk, canned, frozen food.
Health Issues: Nervous system disorder, skin sensitivity, allergies, mental disorder, lung problems.
You are currently running Saturn Dasha and Mercury Antardasha . The planets give their results when either their Dasha or Antardasha operates. Saturn Dasha
In Saturn dasha modesty, intelligence and knowledge is enhanced but the native has to work really hard to achieve anything. There could be an increase in prestige and income. There may be money from inheritances or from involvement in real estate. If in politics then the native is elected to some high post. The native is also likely to get gold ornaments, comforts, good clothes, house, land and new vehicle if Saturn is acting like a benefic planet in one's chart. A bad Saturn on the other hand can cause suffering to elders in the family. There could be restlessness and fear of theft, fire and poison. There may be opposition from relatives, domestic crisis and disagreement with coworkers. There may be fear of demotion or suspension and imprisonment by the government if Saturn transit is also very bad. There could be health related issues as well.
Mercury AntarDasha
A well placed and strong Mercury in its antardasha under Saturn dasha signifies pleasure from the company of scholars, interest in pious deeds, rise in status, possible promotion at work, gain in business & trade, increase in wealth, success in competition and increase in mental agility. Wife and sons may cause happiness; one may buy new vehicles and earn good fortune. If mercury is weak and badly placed then it may signify good results in the early part of the antardasha, but later on it denotes diseases, losses, failure in all undertakings, increase in anxiety, restlessness and great fear of ruin. One may also become crafty and quarrelsome.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A possible Black relationSheep and my fear of intimacy.
So....
I met this guy a few days ago. A charming, sincere, sweet guy who was very honest about the fact that he finds me attractive, has been watching me, has asked around about me and wants to make me his girlfriend. Now normally, the second and third memtioned points would turn me off for seeming "stalkerish" but there was a strong sincerity about him. The kind that makes you feel comfortable. Like you're being spoken to, not macked on. It touched me.
He wasn't the typical kind that I would entertain. He is the type that I would usually be very dismissive of. And I was - the first few times he had spoken to me. So much so, that when he approached me recently, I was completely unaware of who he was and that I had EVER seen him in my life. In retrospect, I feel like quite a shallow bitch.
Well, anyways, he came up to me when I was in the middle of typing a blog post. I normally would be irritated at the interruption, but it was a warm Friday and I was feeling particularly happy and I thought "Well, let's listen to what this guy has to say." And what he had to say gradually knocked me off my feet (bear in mind that I'm still not off my feet just yet, but I will admit to feeling seriously giddy). He told me his name; Asked mine and we chatted a bit. I found him mildly amusing at the time. Then he told me that he had been watching me for a few months now. That he had first seem me on the bus to school and tried speaking to me once, but I seemingly was in a bad mood (little did he know I chronically seem to be in a bad mood). He also told me how he had just seen some girl that I know speaking to me - a girl that he didn't know - so he walked up to her and asked if I am "easy to talk to?". The girl said that I was and that was all he needed to hear. He was at the computer next to me, chatting to me.
At first (being the bitch that I ususally am) I kept thinking, "What does he want? When is he leaving??" and throughout that entire conversation that was the mantra being chanted in my head. I don't remember what we spoke about that first day and I didn't even catch his name. But he was persistent. And that made me admire him the more. We took a walk, contintue our chat. And he asked to see me the following day. I agreed, impressed by his ability to keep me interested in his conversation. The following day, we had a wonderful chat and even though I kept bringing up negatives about myself to try and dissuade his interest in me, he always found a way to make me realise that none of it was of importance to him at all.
THEN the deal breaker...: "I don't want to be in a relationship." The stunning silence that came from this comment... It was almost tangible. And then he blew me away. He was willing to wait. He was convinced that one day I would see it. That one day, his perseverence would pay off. In the meantime, he wasn't going to disappear. He would stay right by my side, "If it's okay with me and won't end up irritating me?"
I've seen him everyday since, with the exception of yesterday, where - for safety purposes I will say - I went to bed early. Today, we spoke. I told him one of my deepest, darkest secrets. The kind that reduces me to nothing everytime I think about it. That one that not even my friends and I talk about it, because, although they know about it, everyone is irked out by it. I mean the kind of secret which makes everyone change the way they veiw and even worse, treat me. I ended up in tears, running to and from the restroom, just trying to make sure he didn't see me in that state.
Then he searched for me, waited patiently then sat me down and said: "Do you know how I see you? You are beautiful. That doesn't change anything at all. You're still beautiful and there are still people out there who love you and care about you - And I am one of them."
And THAT was when I realised it. My fear of intimacy - for my own numerous reasons - has crippled my ability to love myself and more obviously and unnaturally, to accept love.
I have Mr Right at my feet. He makes me feel like a little girl again. Something that I haven't felt like in a while. I feel worthy of love and of BEING everytime that I'm around him. I smile at the thought of him and speaking to him is effortless and freeing. And with all of this said, I still cannot commit.
I wonder if it's self destruction. Self hate? I don't know. But I know that if I want to ever be happy, I need to get over these intimacy issues. They say no man is an island, and that is becoming more evident. How this will turn out, I have no idea, but because I have taken the first step - realisation - the possibilities are starting to grow.
The Black Sheep
XXX
I met this guy a few days ago. A charming, sincere, sweet guy who was very honest about the fact that he finds me attractive, has been watching me, has asked around about me and wants to make me his girlfriend. Now normally, the second and third memtioned points would turn me off for seeming "stalkerish" but there was a strong sincerity about him. The kind that makes you feel comfortable. Like you're being spoken to, not macked on. It touched me.
He wasn't the typical kind that I would entertain. He is the type that I would usually be very dismissive of. And I was - the first few times he had spoken to me. So much so, that when he approached me recently, I was completely unaware of who he was and that I had EVER seen him in my life. In retrospect, I feel like quite a shallow bitch.
Well, anyways, he came up to me when I was in the middle of typing a blog post. I normally would be irritated at the interruption, but it was a warm Friday and I was feeling particularly happy and I thought "Well, let's listen to what this guy has to say." And what he had to say gradually knocked me off my feet (bear in mind that I'm still not off my feet just yet, but I will admit to feeling seriously giddy). He told me his name; Asked mine and we chatted a bit. I found him mildly amusing at the time. Then he told me that he had been watching me for a few months now. That he had first seem me on the bus to school and tried speaking to me once, but I seemingly was in a bad mood (little did he know I chronically seem to be in a bad mood). He also told me how he had just seen some girl that I know speaking to me - a girl that he didn't know - so he walked up to her and asked if I am "easy to talk to?". The girl said that I was and that was all he needed to hear. He was at the computer next to me, chatting to me.
At first (being the bitch that I ususally am) I kept thinking, "What does he want? When is he leaving??" and throughout that entire conversation that was the mantra being chanted in my head. I don't remember what we spoke about that first day and I didn't even catch his name. But he was persistent. And that made me admire him the more. We took a walk, contintue our chat. And he asked to see me the following day. I agreed, impressed by his ability to keep me interested in his conversation. The following day, we had a wonderful chat and even though I kept bringing up negatives about myself to try and dissuade his interest in me, he always found a way to make me realise that none of it was of importance to him at all.
THEN the deal breaker...: "I don't want to be in a relationship." The stunning silence that came from this comment... It was almost tangible. And then he blew me away. He was willing to wait. He was convinced that one day I would see it. That one day, his perseverence would pay off. In the meantime, he wasn't going to disappear. He would stay right by my side, "If it's okay with me and won't end up irritating me?"
I've seen him everyday since, with the exception of yesterday, where - for safety purposes I will say - I went to bed early. Today, we spoke. I told him one of my deepest, darkest secrets. The kind that reduces me to nothing everytime I think about it. That one that not even my friends and I talk about it, because, although they know about it, everyone is irked out by it. I mean the kind of secret which makes everyone change the way they veiw and even worse, treat me. I ended up in tears, running to and from the restroom, just trying to make sure he didn't see me in that state.
Then he searched for me, waited patiently then sat me down and said: "Do you know how I see you? You are beautiful. That doesn't change anything at all. You're still beautiful and there are still people out there who love you and care about you - And I am one of them."
And THAT was when I realised it. My fear of intimacy - for my own numerous reasons - has crippled my ability to love myself and more obviously and unnaturally, to accept love.
I have Mr Right at my feet. He makes me feel like a little girl again. Something that I haven't felt like in a while. I feel worthy of love and of BEING everytime that I'm around him. I smile at the thought of him and speaking to him is effortless and freeing. And with all of this said, I still cannot commit.
I wonder if it's self destruction. Self hate? I don't know. But I know that if I want to ever be happy, I need to get over these intimacy issues. They say no man is an island, and that is becoming more evident. How this will turn out, I have no idea, but because I have taken the first step - realisation - the possibilities are starting to grow.
The Black Sheep
XXX
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Ode to my future Black Lambs...
I know that I am nowhere near having little rats (Rats is actually an endearing term - shortening of the term rugrats) or sheeplings but I know that one day I will and I will love them with all my heart and all my might. I cannot wait to be a mother and to see a new sunrise from the smile of my babies.
At the moment, I think I want to have 6 of my own and adopt 2 because the plight of the less fortunate is that of my very own and no child deserves not to live life to the full because of the lack of foresight of his or her parents.
I have decided that I want 4 boys and 2 girls and I have already fallen in love with a few names that I romanticise about calling my little lambs - whom I will accept whether they come in white, grey, pitchblack or flaming pink!
My first: I want a son whose first name will be Qhawe. This name means hero or saviour in the South African language, Xhosa. It is also a term used to hail The Divine. It is generally given to boys and the feminine of it would be Nomaqhawe.
My second boy: Khaled/ Khalid is an Arabic name meaning eternal or immortal. For me, the soul is immortal and this is my connection to the soul.
My third born son: Akhenaten. The name is Egyptian, after the pharoah Akhenaten with the meaning "The praise or devotion to Aten". In ancient Egypt, Aten was the God of the Sun Disk who in himself had two gods: Horus and Ra. Ra being the Rising Sun and Horus being the chariot master who transports The Sun.
My last born: Lesema. I jacked this name from the name my brother wants to name his first born. It means precious or "of extreme value" in Ronga which is the language of my father.
My first girl: Litha. This is another Xhosa name meaning "A ray of sunshine". It is usually a boys name, with the feminine being Nolitha or Lithalethu, the latter meaning "Our ray of sunshine", however, I appreciate the simplicity of Litha.
My second girl: (Possibly) Assana. This is an Irish name traditionally awarded to girls, meaning "waterfall". It reminds me of the constant cleansing and peacefulness of waterfalls and makes me smile inside.
Other names:
Shahar (Girl) - Goddess of the Dawn in Ugarit mythology.
Shalim (Boy) - God of the Dusk - Shahar's twin brother also in Ugarit mythology.
Tafari (Boy)- "He who inspires Awe" in Amharic.
Shanti (Girl) - "Peace", "rest", "calmness", "tranquility", "hot tempered", "bliss" or (in the words of TS Elliot,) "The Peace which passeth understanding." in Sanskrit.
Rudo (Boy/Unisex) - "Love" in Shona.
Ambara (Boy) - "Heaven" in Sanskrit
Seishin O Satori (Unisex) - "Enlightened spirit" in Japanese.
Zongxiàn (Boy) - "Wisdom of the ancestors" in Mandarin
At the moment, I think I want to have 6 of my own and adopt 2 because the plight of the less fortunate is that of my very own and no child deserves not to live life to the full because of the lack of foresight of his or her parents.
I have decided that I want 4 boys and 2 girls and I have already fallen in love with a few names that I romanticise about calling my little lambs - whom I will accept whether they come in white, grey, pitchblack or flaming pink!
My first: I want a son whose first name will be Qhawe. This name means hero or saviour in the South African language, Xhosa. It is also a term used to hail The Divine. It is generally given to boys and the feminine of it would be Nomaqhawe.
My second boy: Khaled/ Khalid is an Arabic name meaning eternal or immortal. For me, the soul is immortal and this is my connection to the soul.
My third born son: Akhenaten. The name is Egyptian, after the pharoah Akhenaten with the meaning "The praise or devotion to Aten". In ancient Egypt, Aten was the God of the Sun Disk who in himself had two gods: Horus and Ra. Ra being the Rising Sun and Horus being the chariot master who transports The Sun.
My last born: Lesema. I jacked this name from the name my brother wants to name his first born. It means precious or "of extreme value" in Ronga which is the language of my father.
My first girl: Litha. This is another Xhosa name meaning "A ray of sunshine". It is usually a boys name, with the feminine being Nolitha or Lithalethu, the latter meaning "Our ray of sunshine", however, I appreciate the simplicity of Litha.
My second girl: (Possibly) Assana. This is an Irish name traditionally awarded to girls, meaning "waterfall". It reminds me of the constant cleansing and peacefulness of waterfalls and makes me smile inside.
Other names:
Shahar (Girl) - Goddess of the Dawn in Ugarit mythology.
Shalim (Boy) - God of the Dusk - Shahar's twin brother also in Ugarit mythology.
Tafari (Boy)- "He who inspires Awe" in Amharic.
Shanti (Girl) - "Peace", "rest", "calmness", "tranquility", "hot tempered", "bliss" or (in the words of TS Elliot,) "The Peace which passeth understanding." in Sanskrit.
Rudo (Boy/Unisex) - "Love" in Shona.
Ambara (Boy) - "Heaven" in Sanskrit
Seishin O Satori (Unisex) - "Enlightened spirit" in Japanese.
Zongxiàn (Boy) - "Wisdom of the ancestors" in Mandarin
Monday, October 11, 2010
I WILL BE FREE: My Redemption Creed.
There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.
- Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela
Fighting for freedom isn't ever easy... It requires sacrifices that are beyond imaginable at times. Sometimes, it demands even the ultimate sacrifice - that of life.
I am and will continue fighting for my freedom. My freedom in every sense of the word.
I will liberate myself from the chains of society - and difficult as that may sound, it is one of the easier liberation struggles to win. Once you stop caring about society's opinion of you, your battle is half won. The biggest challenge is getting over the fact that you WILL be judged and you WILL be mocked and you WILL be scorned. Luckily for me, embarrassment has become somewhat of a myth; A tale which is spoken about but never really affects me. I have chosen to disregard judgement as most of it is based on ignorance and that which isn't still really has no bearing on my life whatsoever.
Emancipation of the mind, is emminent once you leave the brain sucking mob that is society. You cannot help but think for yourself and formulate your own conclusions once you reject all those which are fed to you but have no base. Once you start questioning, you start coming across and actively finding answers. Whether you mean to or not. If being a loner is the only con of withdrawal from society's braingwashing, then the pros of being able to think freely, formulate your own opinions and hunt the truth down definately outweigh the cons...
When you have started freeing yourself in thought, it is only a matter of time before you start feeling oppressed by the mundane. Be it friendships, habits, materialism, relationships etc.
AND THAT is where I find myself...
I feel so repressed and beleaguered by all the things that really are starting not to matter in my life. I find that I don't have the slightest inclination to entertain triffle, petty things any longer. I don't have time for immaturity and jealousy. I don't feel the need to indulge those who seek to control the lives of others or to manipulate me. I don't find that I should and sometimes can stomach mediocre, insubstantial pitfalls in this awesomely exceptional and extraodinary journey of life.
Although, this is a terrible coping mechanism, it works for me: I'm going to make a bubble and blow it away. Yes:
I stretch my arms out as far as I can, make the shape of a spherical object with them - beginning at the top and ending at the bottom, so that this imagined sphere rests in the palms of my hands. At the same time, think of all the things that trouble me, irritate me and make me feel generally negative and mentally place them all inside of this "bubble". Once inside, I blow as hard as I can and release all the negative.
AND THAT IS HOW I "MAKE A BUBBLE AND BLOW IT AWAY"...
Thus far, it is definately working for me. I release and feel released. Then, I proceed to amputate the decomposing and decaying relations out of my life and the oppression that I once felt no longer exists.
Only I can give you the power to oppress me...
And I WILL live my freedom to the death. Even if death is what it means.
Robert Nesta Marley once sang:
"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds..."
Live your freedom as it is: The ulimate gift from The Divine.
May it shine for and upon you along with the love and peace They give.
Blessings,
The Black Sheep
XXX
- Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela
Fighting for freedom isn't ever easy... It requires sacrifices that are beyond imaginable at times. Sometimes, it demands even the ultimate sacrifice - that of life.
I am and will continue fighting for my freedom. My freedom in every sense of the word.
I will liberate myself from the chains of society - and difficult as that may sound, it is one of the easier liberation struggles to win. Once you stop caring about society's opinion of you, your battle is half won. The biggest challenge is getting over the fact that you WILL be judged and you WILL be mocked and you WILL be scorned. Luckily for me, embarrassment has become somewhat of a myth; A tale which is spoken about but never really affects me. I have chosen to disregard judgement as most of it is based on ignorance and that which isn't still really has no bearing on my life whatsoever.
Emancipation of the mind, is emminent once you leave the brain sucking mob that is society. You cannot help but think for yourself and formulate your own conclusions once you reject all those which are fed to you but have no base. Once you start questioning, you start coming across and actively finding answers. Whether you mean to or not. If being a loner is the only con of withdrawal from society's braingwashing, then the pros of being able to think freely, formulate your own opinions and hunt the truth down definately outweigh the cons...
When you have started freeing yourself in thought, it is only a matter of time before you start feeling oppressed by the mundane. Be it friendships, habits, materialism, relationships etc.
AND THAT is where I find myself...
I feel so repressed and beleaguered by all the things that really are starting not to matter in my life. I find that I don't have the slightest inclination to entertain triffle, petty things any longer. I don't have time for immaturity and jealousy. I don't feel the need to indulge those who seek to control the lives of others or to manipulate me. I don't find that I should and sometimes can stomach mediocre, insubstantial pitfalls in this awesomely exceptional and extraodinary journey of life.
Although, this is a terrible coping mechanism, it works for me: I'm going to make a bubble and blow it away. Yes:
I stretch my arms out as far as I can, make the shape of a spherical object with them - beginning at the top and ending at the bottom, so that this imagined sphere rests in the palms of my hands. At the same time, think of all the things that trouble me, irritate me and make me feel generally negative and mentally place them all inside of this "bubble". Once inside, I blow as hard as I can and release all the negative.
AND THAT IS HOW I "MAKE A BUBBLE AND BLOW IT AWAY"...
Thus far, it is definately working for me. I release and feel released. Then, I proceed to amputate the decomposing and decaying relations out of my life and the oppression that I once felt no longer exists.
Only I can give you the power to oppress me...
And I WILL live my freedom to the death. Even if death is what it means.
Robert Nesta Marley once sang:
"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds..."
Live your freedom as it is: The ulimate gift from The Divine.
May it shine for and upon you along with the love and peace They give.
Blessings,
The Black Sheep
XXX
Friday, October 8, 2010
Understanding. Judgement.
I believe in a lot of things.
And I believe in a lot of things that others find controversial. But for me, that's okay. I don't think people are meant to agree on everything. Else there'd be no room for free thinking and improvement. I don't want people to agree with what I'm saying. I just need for them to respect that I believe in what I believe in.
I believe that Society is a bunch of people lying to one another and making those lies, the standard. The norm. Society is a group bully that secretly doesn't really believe in its own teachings. Society is the Sadducees and the Pharisees. It's a big horde of hypocrites. The term - and even the idea - of Society exists primarily and nearly purely to throw stones at anything that isn't the same. That dares to be different. That dares to live what Society wishes it could...
I feel that I'm here to live out The Truth. And if not The Universal Truth, then just My Truth, at least. But at the same time, it feels as though noone wants to understand that. No one wants to understand that I can be different and human, still. I can have my own beliefs, rituals and cultures without having to live like a leper. Now, I'm not professing to be some kind of messiah or buddha or that "All those who look for the light must follow me for salvation". I just believe that we are here to better ourselves in the greater scheme of things (whatever your "Greater Scheme" may be); And to live and let live. Judgement is not only unecessary, it is also futile, arrogant and barbaric.
Judgement is the reason that Jesus was killed. The reason the Jews were persecuted in Germany and are still marginalised in other parts of the world. Judgement is what made people all over the world discriminate against minorities. It was the cause of slavery and apartheid. The reason Maoris and Native Americans living in sanctuaries and reserves (sometimes included in the natural fauna and flora). It's the reason for genocide. The reason for wars. Judgement is the cause of hatred...
The fact that I - in my absolute humanness and infinite subjectivity - deem myself, based on no true merit, worthy to judge and restrict and otherwise rule over any other human being who in all honesty has as much right to this Earth and life as (if not more than) me is quite simply absurd. It makes no sense at all and when looked at closely, detracts from the humanity of myself and others.
I think I've been cursed with not being understood. Or maybe everyone actually understands me and I just refuse to accept their understanding because I want understanding on my terms... And maybe that, in and of itself is my own little special way of judging others... I seriously doubt it, but it could be. (Like I've stade in earlier blog posts, I sometimes have to second guess my every thought process.)
However, judgement is like starvation and disease. It is an age-old flaw of the human psyche and will always be there. How we choose to live with the judgement cast on you, or that which you subject others to is up to you.
Wisdom and Understaning from The Divine...
The Black Sheep.
XXX
And I believe in a lot of things that others find controversial. But for me, that's okay. I don't think people are meant to agree on everything. Else there'd be no room for free thinking and improvement. I don't want people to agree with what I'm saying. I just need for them to respect that I believe in what I believe in.
I believe that Society is a bunch of people lying to one another and making those lies, the standard. The norm. Society is a group bully that secretly doesn't really believe in its own teachings. Society is the Sadducees and the Pharisees. It's a big horde of hypocrites. The term - and even the idea - of Society exists primarily and nearly purely to throw stones at anything that isn't the same. That dares to be different. That dares to live what Society wishes it could...
I feel that I'm here to live out The Truth. And if not The Universal Truth, then just My Truth, at least. But at the same time, it feels as though noone wants to understand that. No one wants to understand that I can be different and human, still. I can have my own beliefs, rituals and cultures without having to live like a leper. Now, I'm not professing to be some kind of messiah or buddha or that "All those who look for the light must follow me for salvation". I just believe that we are here to better ourselves in the greater scheme of things (whatever your "Greater Scheme" may be); And to live and let live. Judgement is not only unecessary, it is also futile, arrogant and barbaric.
Judgement is the reason that Jesus was killed. The reason the Jews were persecuted in Germany and are still marginalised in other parts of the world. Judgement is what made people all over the world discriminate against minorities. It was the cause of slavery and apartheid. The reason Maoris and Native Americans living in sanctuaries and reserves (sometimes included in the natural fauna and flora). It's the reason for genocide. The reason for wars. Judgement is the cause of hatred...
The fact that I - in my absolute humanness and infinite subjectivity - deem myself, based on no true merit, worthy to judge and restrict and otherwise rule over any other human being who in all honesty has as much right to this Earth and life as (if not more than) me is quite simply absurd. It makes no sense at all and when looked at closely, detracts from the humanity of myself and others.
I think I've been cursed with not being understood. Or maybe everyone actually understands me and I just refuse to accept their understanding because I want understanding on my terms... And maybe that, in and of itself is my own little special way of judging others... I seriously doubt it, but it could be. (Like I've stade in earlier blog posts, I sometimes have to second guess my every thought process.)
However, judgement is like starvation and disease. It is an age-old flaw of the human psyche and will always be there. How we choose to live with the judgement cast on you, or that which you subject others to is up to you.
Wisdom and Understaning from The Divine...
The Black Sheep.
XXX
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