Dark, Sheepish Communication.

I am very easily amused.  It doesn't take alot to become friends with me - or at least to become a good acquaintance...  I love to laugh and share.  I am particularly partial to people with a plight or with a good heart/ good intentions.  Especially at first meeting, I am a great person to get along with.  And I generally keep my cool.  It's really hard to get into an altercation with my unless it concerns something or someone that I sincerely care about...

But on the other hand, once I let you in.  And you become what I consider as "trustworthy; a friend" I become so easily annoyed.  Everything that you do that you (in my mind) "Should know not to from knowing me" is held against you.  My logic being: "I would do the same for you..."

Whilst I believe that you cannot hold the innocent accountable - in that if someone doesn't know what irks you, then they obviously did not commit the transgression maliciously or even intentionally - I am also of the extreme opposite mindset once you do get to know me.  I end up feeling that as my friend, close confidante, you know what irritates me and what would offend me.  The fact that you insist on doing something that you know will make me unhappy just says you don't care.

I think that is the exact thought process (on my part) in altercations with those that "I love".  I feel as though they don't care and when it comes to me, they feel nothing.  So I end up being malicious and even spiteful towards them in both speech and action in order to force them to feel something concerning me. 

I WILL MATTER TO YOU, DAMNIT!!! 

I contintuously hurt those that I love.  And it seems as though I'm just being a big brat bitch at the time, but for me, this is how it goes:

Wealth, possessions, status, social standing and the likes are all of no use.  They do not aid you as a soul.  You utilise them to get what you want here on Earth and that's it.  Whereas relationships are love and comfort and the ability to grow.... Once you lose that - you have nothing.  So the second I feel as though I am losing or have lost you as a close relation, I feel that I must make you understand what I am going through.  I need you to understand what you mean to me.  And so I show you how I'm feeling by making you feel that way.

I am the kind of person who is so compassionate that I take on everyone's pain.  It makes little sense to cause others pain it I am only going to end up taking it on as well. 

I know.

But this is the only way that I know how to effectively communicate how I'm feelining without seeming to play the victim... By turning you into the victim.

May the Divine grant us patience, love and understanding
That we may learn to overcome life's difficulties unified.

Blessings from The Divine
The Black Sheep
XXX