Dear December
I know you well
Although I cannot be sure I particularly want to
You give and you take
You slay and you break
Unrepentant
And unforgiving
Dear December Depression
You stalk me throughout the year
Quietly, steadily approaching your prey
Dear Depression,
I feel your presence.
Your arrival is inevitable.
But at this moment,
I will not surrender.
I will not succemb.
To the First of the Month
You bring promises of hurt
With you I am too well acquainted
To buy into the merriment and cheer.
I will trudge on
Through your haziness
Of laziness.
The inpermeable air
Of a halted world.
To the Seventh of the Month
I hate you well.
You tore my soul.
And devoured my spirit.
And in return,
You smiled at me.
A smile of victory
Over a corpse.
I may have been week,
But you're just silly.
Giving me the fourteenth
As if it would make up.
And to the Sixteenth
You are society's fall
The debauchery and madness
Which renders it mindless.
Over and over
I've been tempted to sniff
The lines of lies
You purvey to pillage.
Dear 24th
You almast make it all okay
The loving and caring
The exuberant await.
The pretence, so fickle
That it lasts but two days
I thank you for your showcase
The justification all December.
And to the 25th
Joy to the World
See the Sun dance
Jesus is born!
And after the gifts
And after the meal
And after the novelty
We all hide away into our places of rest
Our places of comfort
Until the daze wears off.
Dear 26th
Thank God for cricket!
Your only other purpose
Would be being the Aftermath.
To the 29th
You stole my joy.
I will not resent.
I will forgive.
And to the 31st
I love you most!
It finaly ends.
It's FINALLY over.
Dear December,
I know you well.
I don't like you and nor do I want to.
Dear December Depression,
Too close for comfort.
I will fight until I have it not in me any longer.
You may or may not succeed
But this year victory will be mine because
I will have fought ernestly and savagely
For my happiness.
For my sanity.
For my principles
For my life.
And finally,
Dear Depression,
You cannot have me
Not right now.
Now YOU deal with it!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Sacrifice: If it pains you, let it go.
I don't handle negative feelings very well. Or at all for that matter. They just sit and fester and I become hateful and vengeful and angry.
It's hard not to be, right now. I'm going to spill out all my anger in order not to keep it bottled up inside.
By now, we all know that I hate the fact that noone understands me. And that I hate the fact that noone wants to understand me, even more. But what I hate most, is people insisting that they understand me when they don't and upon being properly explained to, turn around and make it out as though you're the one who either doesn't understand yourself or is lying!
Now whilst, granted, I may not understand myself fully - I'm still learning myself - I feel I am well within my rights to claim that I understand myself the best (that is better than anyone else). I am, after all, living me!
Earlier this week, I decided to try and reconnect with my mother.
She and I have always had a particularly difficult relationship. I guess, I always felt as though I was never enough for her, so I stopped trying. And once that happened, we were always stuck in conflicts - which I can't deal with - and so I merely relegated our relationship to one that is not meant to be enjoyed or savoured. I wrote it off to merely being functional.
This posed alot of difficulty as she basically more and more, filled out the role of the neglectful, uncaring mother, who saw to the basics and left the rest alone. I guess I never admitted it before, but it kind of hurt that she stopped trying - especially since she made the effort with everyone else in the family - even my emotionally detached brother.
We were always at loggerheads about everything - with myself probably turning delinquent in order to force more attention and (in my subconscious,) affection out of her, and her trying to beat me into submission. That did NOT turn out well....
Regardless, the effort to mend ties was going exceptionally well. In fact, in my mind, it was almost too good to be true. And just as they say: "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is..." the dealbreaker arrived.
We were talking about separating issues in that my illness wasn't the cause of contention, instead the times which I arrived home were. In response I agreed that my illness wasn't the cause of most of the fighting - but then went on to highlight the fact that the fighting had always been there - between everyone and that I ended up getting the rough end.
That's when the dogmatic belief that she is always right reared itself again...
I was told - not in so many words - that what I had expressed was invalid; And this at the referrence to three incidents... THREE INCIDENTS???!!!!
I'm uber pissed and I think I have to ultimately resign myself to the realisation that essentially, my mother and I cannot have a healthy relationship in any way.
I bear her no hard feelings, and I still love and respect her. But to sacrifice a toxic relationship, in my mind seems a better option that to prolong what will ultimately result in hatred.
Do what you must to live your love.
Namaste,
The Black Sheep.
It's hard not to be, right now. I'm going to spill out all my anger in order not to keep it bottled up inside.
By now, we all know that I hate the fact that noone understands me. And that I hate the fact that noone wants to understand me, even more. But what I hate most, is people insisting that they understand me when they don't and upon being properly explained to, turn around and make it out as though you're the one who either doesn't understand yourself or is lying!
Now whilst, granted, I may not understand myself fully - I'm still learning myself - I feel I am well within my rights to claim that I understand myself the best (that is better than anyone else). I am, after all, living me!
Earlier this week, I decided to try and reconnect with my mother.
She and I have always had a particularly difficult relationship. I guess, I always felt as though I was never enough for her, so I stopped trying. And once that happened, we were always stuck in conflicts - which I can't deal with - and so I merely relegated our relationship to one that is not meant to be enjoyed or savoured. I wrote it off to merely being functional.
This posed alot of difficulty as she basically more and more, filled out the role of the neglectful, uncaring mother, who saw to the basics and left the rest alone. I guess I never admitted it before, but it kind of hurt that she stopped trying - especially since she made the effort with everyone else in the family - even my emotionally detached brother.
We were always at loggerheads about everything - with myself probably turning delinquent in order to force more attention and (in my subconscious,) affection out of her, and her trying to beat me into submission. That did NOT turn out well....
Regardless, the effort to mend ties was going exceptionally well. In fact, in my mind, it was almost too good to be true. And just as they say: "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is..." the dealbreaker arrived.
We were talking about separating issues in that my illness wasn't the cause of contention, instead the times which I arrived home were. In response I agreed that my illness wasn't the cause of most of the fighting - but then went on to highlight the fact that the fighting had always been there - between everyone and that I ended up getting the rough end.
That's when the dogmatic belief that she is always right reared itself again...
I was told - not in so many words - that what I had expressed was invalid; And this at the referrence to three incidents... THREE INCIDENTS???!!!!
I'm uber pissed and I think I have to ultimately resign myself to the realisation that essentially, my mother and I cannot have a healthy relationship in any way.
I bear her no hard feelings, and I still love and respect her. But to sacrifice a toxic relationship, in my mind seems a better option that to prolong what will ultimately result in hatred.
Do what you must to live your love.
Namaste,
The Black Sheep.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Black Prayer of a Wounded Heart.
Sometimes there's this Black Hole that sucks away all my happiness into oblivion... When this happens, I often end up feeling sad, hurt, lonely and numb. The fact that there is noone there for me - to want to know. To care to understand, then makes me feel neglected and even betrayed by those close to me.
In all objectivity, I guess I could hijack the platform for this understanding that I so desperately crave by telling people how I am feeling when they ask how I'm doing. But on the other hand, I have learned form previous experiences that people don't care. No necessarily in a directly detached, apathetic way: People are too busy trying to sort out the bullshit that they are undergoing in their own lives. Noone has the time and patience to inquire into the sob-story of a seemingly perfectly normal person. Alternatively, I could go to therapy - but from various different sessions, with different therapists, that has always made me feel worse. To the point that I end up quietly hating my life and everything in it: The idea that I have to pay someone to pretend to care about me makes me question the validity of EVERY relationship in my life - from friendships, to romatic affiliations, to family ties...
Right now, I'm going through that anger and hate. Not particularly directed at any one person, thing or group of people. Just a general feeling of rage and anarchy seething inside of me. A disappointment in humanity and all of creation. A disgust in EVERYTHING.
Granted, I am a difficult person to talk to and communicate with in general and so maybe I'm expecting too much of people, but it seems to me to make sense: If the people in my life have the time (and alleged concern) to talk about my life and it's (in my opinion, misunderstood) "waywardness", surely they should have the time and concern to speak to me about it...? To try and make sense of the situation from a viewopint other than their own, since that hasn't gotten anyone anywhere thus far...
Maybe I am expecting too much.
It's just difficult to trust people who can never be honest with you. And that in turn makes it more difficult to talk to those people. Do you see the vicious cycle?
It's a cycle of self-defence, not malice. They are tired of getting burnt trying to help me. I'm tired of getting burnt opening up just to be put down by people that I didn't even talk to about anything, yet know a surprisingly great deal.
Fact remains, I'm still hurt and resentful. And right now, it feels as though this blog is the only entity out there willing to whole-heartedly listen to what I have to say with no judgement or disregard for my feelings. With no unwitting or intentional betrayal. The only thing in this world that seems to care.
Dispite my renouncing of hope, I will still aim to find The Divine in it all and pray that I may be granted patience, and understanding for situations outside of my own. If we only see from one perspective, our whole existence becomes a blind spot.
From The Divine, I pray for enlightenment and healing for all of us.
Shanti, vidya, dhairya, kshama.
(Peace, enlightenment, endurance, forbearance)
The Black Sheep
In all objectivity, I guess I could hijack the platform for this understanding that I so desperately crave by telling people how I am feeling when they ask how I'm doing. But on the other hand, I have learned form previous experiences that people don't care. No necessarily in a directly detached, apathetic way: People are too busy trying to sort out the bullshit that they are undergoing in their own lives. Noone has the time and patience to inquire into the sob-story of a seemingly perfectly normal person. Alternatively, I could go to therapy - but from various different sessions, with different therapists, that has always made me feel worse. To the point that I end up quietly hating my life and everything in it: The idea that I have to pay someone to pretend to care about me makes me question the validity of EVERY relationship in my life - from friendships, to romatic affiliations, to family ties...
Right now, I'm going through that anger and hate. Not particularly directed at any one person, thing or group of people. Just a general feeling of rage and anarchy seething inside of me. A disappointment in humanity and all of creation. A disgust in EVERYTHING.
Granted, I am a difficult person to talk to and communicate with in general and so maybe I'm expecting too much of people, but it seems to me to make sense: If the people in my life have the time (and alleged concern) to talk about my life and it's (in my opinion, misunderstood) "waywardness", surely they should have the time and concern to speak to me about it...? To try and make sense of the situation from a viewopint other than their own, since that hasn't gotten anyone anywhere thus far...
Maybe I am expecting too much.
It's just difficult to trust people who can never be honest with you. And that in turn makes it more difficult to talk to those people. Do you see the vicious cycle?
It's a cycle of self-defence, not malice. They are tired of getting burnt trying to help me. I'm tired of getting burnt opening up just to be put down by people that I didn't even talk to about anything, yet know a surprisingly great deal.
Fact remains, I'm still hurt and resentful. And right now, it feels as though this blog is the only entity out there willing to whole-heartedly listen to what I have to say with no judgement or disregard for my feelings. With no unwitting or intentional betrayal. The only thing in this world that seems to care.
Dispite my renouncing of hope, I will still aim to find The Divine in it all and pray that I may be granted patience, and understanding for situations outside of my own. If we only see from one perspective, our whole existence becomes a blind spot.
From The Divine, I pray for enlightenment and healing for all of us.
Shanti, vidya, dhairya, kshama.
(Peace, enlightenment, endurance, forbearance)
The Black Sheep
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