Sometimes there's this Black Hole that sucks away all my happiness into oblivion... When this happens, I often end up feeling sad, hurt, lonely and numb. The fact that there is noone there for me - to want to know. To care to understand, then makes me feel neglected and even betrayed by those close to me.
In all objectivity, I guess I could hijack the platform for this understanding that I so desperately crave by telling people how I am feeling when they ask how I'm doing. But on the other hand, I have learned form previous experiences that people don't care. No necessarily in a directly detached, apathetic way: People are too busy trying to sort out the bullshit that they are undergoing in their own lives. Noone has the time and patience to inquire into the sob-story of a seemingly perfectly normal person. Alternatively, I could go to therapy - but from various different sessions, with different therapists, that has always made me feel worse. To the point that I end up quietly hating my life and everything in it: The idea that I have to pay someone to pretend to care about me makes me question the validity of EVERY relationship in my life - from friendships, to romatic affiliations, to family ties...
Right now, I'm going through that anger and hate. Not particularly directed at any one person, thing or group of people. Just a general feeling of rage and anarchy seething inside of me. A disappointment in humanity and all of creation. A disgust in EVERYTHING.
Granted, I am a difficult person to talk to and communicate with in general and so maybe I'm expecting too much of people, but it seems to me to make sense: If the people in my life have the time (and alleged concern) to talk about my life and it's (in my opinion, misunderstood) "waywardness", surely they should have the time and concern to speak to me about it...? To try and make sense of the situation from a viewopint other than their own, since that hasn't gotten anyone anywhere thus far...
Maybe I am expecting too much.
It's just difficult to trust people who can never be honest with you. And that in turn makes it more difficult to talk to those people. Do you see the vicious cycle?
It's a cycle of self-defence, not malice. They are tired of getting burnt trying to help me. I'm tired of getting burnt opening up just to be put down by people that I didn't even talk to about anything, yet know a surprisingly great deal.
Fact remains, I'm still hurt and resentful. And right now, it feels as though this blog is the only entity out there willing to whole-heartedly listen to what I have to say with no judgement or disregard for my feelings. With no unwitting or intentional betrayal. The only thing in this world that seems to care.
Dispite my renouncing of hope, I will still aim to find The Divine in it all and pray that I may be granted patience, and understanding for situations outside of my own. If we only see from one perspective, our whole existence becomes a blind spot.
From The Divine, I pray for enlightenment and healing for all of us.
Shanti, vidya, dhairya, kshama.
(Peace, enlightenment, endurance, forbearance)
The Black Sheep
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