So, I've been having these hectic dreams lately... Because of my medication (the anti-depressants and sedatives) I sometimes (more often than not) have very vivid dreams. They seldom ever really amount to anything or even affect me because as long as I'm happy, the dreams either are irrelevant or I can't remember. Of late, I've been getting rather rattled by my dreams...
I think I'm getting a bit home sick, though. I keep dreaming about my family and our relationships. That's weird. I've never really been home sick in my life.
(Save for that one time that I had a seemingly - at the time - deathly bout of flu that rendered me unable to sleep for lack of breathe. It was a horror. All I could do was cry and even that made everything worse because have you ever tried crying with a blocked nose? Well, I ended up missing home due to the fact that my mother is a qualified nurse and always seemed to make me feel better. That and the fact that she would usually force me to stay in bed and watch tv to delicious food. At that time I was living with my younger sister, whose idea of a good meal was - without any exclusion: Oreos, marshmallows, a slab of chocolate, 2l of cola and a huge packet of cheese puffs. Now, I don't judge - and when in perfect health, this doesn't seem like a bad idea - but when you feel like you're on death's door, some chicken soup is very soothing.)
This home sickness is weird. It's like a yearning for my family. Not so much what I would get out of being with them as much as a yearning for each family member's personality. Their whims and all the things that bug me about them. The gay way in which they make sincere, yet non-mushy compliments like, "You're actually very pretty when you smile" or "Your body makes me jealous coz you eat everything and you still have that shape."
Last night, I dreamt that there was a fashion show of sorts, hosted by myself and my two sisters. Now, although I had a collection, like both my sisters, I also decided to be my own model. This is where the missing of my family came in. The way my older sister stayed up all night to help me fix my hair. And my younger sister took over everything else while I was out of commission doing my hair. The way my parents hurried into an almost panic (the way they always do when we're about to be late) yelling at everyone in that "tough-love" kinda way.
Weirdly enough, my brother didn't really feature. At all.
The only thing that I can think of that could even remotely explain this is that in my borderline-ness, due to the splitting and the idealization and devaluation, I have kinda removed him from "my family" because in my mind he removed himself. See, my brother has always been the logical thinker. The kind of person who isolates the problem. In my illness, he has always been of the opinion that I choose to let it affect me the way it does. While everyone else has tried to be understanding to the way in which the illness manifests itself, he has always made it out to be something that I give power over me. Now, while that may make sense in his head, because of the way he thinks and reasons, in my head it is as if he is blaming me.
I love the memories of my brother. He was the best older brother on Earth! But the way in which he constantly enforces his ways of thought onto everyone else (and I can't stand dogmas and the dogmatic) especially me has just in my mind cut ties between us almost completely. I can't see us ever being the friends that we used to be. He is and will always be more of that relentless gym instructor who doesn't care that you just came out of recovery... I still love him, but his role in my life has become more like a job than a relationship.
These dreams have forced me to think about this stuff. I wake up in cold sweats and tears. I miss my family. I miss my home, but nothing will ever be the same.
I have to build a new life for myself.
Wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment